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Yup!
I know exactly what you are talking about...
Its like as we get older and we realize more and more what we CAN do, the less and less the reasons that we placed make sense. Plus, I think the older they get the more we realize what has really been missed and that we cannot get back..so the two kind of compound on each other.
I placed my son 17 years ago. I was content and adjusted and all to it for almost 14 years, and then I started to think about it all. It was by all accounts a "good" adoption ( though a traditional close one, but thats OK too..its still a good one), but my reasons for placing just started holding less and less water.
Granted I know that I did the best that I could at the time with what I knew..and I think that is one of the major faults with placing..we are stuck on the immediate issue and can't see far enough into the future nor have the ability to even imagine how it will continue to effect us in the future, but it does!
And I think, especially for me, that I was unable to know what I was capable of at a young age. I had no clue what obsticals I could overcome nor how willing I was to work to get what I wanted out of life and motherhood seemed so impossible and I felt so unable to do it well....hence adoption seemed not only fair to my son, but one of the only plausible options for me as well.
It's a very hard thing to see that maybe there were other things that could have been done instead no matter how great the situation now might be. Admitting one does not take away from the other, but it does hurt.
I wish I could tell you that it does get easier.... I struggled to really understand my younger self and the reasons I got to the place where I did decide to place my child..and forgiving myself for allowing it to happen was key, so that part does have a sense of closure.
Unfortunalty, seeing how much I have trully missed throughout the years has only grown as the time goes past. I do feel happiness and joy that he has flourished in his enviornment and I can see the true happiness in his eyes in pictures, but it still is a loss for me. Having other chldren has multiplied that and sometimes made it all the more real. I know what they have loss by my decision to not raise their brother and the sibling bond that has been severed.
Sometimes I feel like I cherish so much more the time I have with my children now because of what I have given away and can never have back with my oldest.
There is peace and happiness, but it continues to be bittersweet.
We can't undo the past, but we can understand it and allow ourselves to reap the joys of our futures. Question but, Don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself some joy.
Claud
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