Thanks for the responses, everyone.
It feels so good to get this out. It's been inside me for a while now... thinking about cutting off contact.
Lynn--
Marie is three and a half.
I have to admit I felt jealous when you talked about your "overnight" ritual with your birthdaughter. How did that evolve? Was that your idea? Hers? Her amom's?
I can't imagine ever having that close of a relationship with Marie. I am not natually good with kids. Never been a kid-magnet like some women are.... My sister can walk into a room full of toddlers and have them all clinging to her leg within a couple hours. Not me.
I am also very shy. Always worried about people judging me in social situations. The worry is magnified a thousand times with Marie.... I don't want to be "some woman" who expresses all this emotion and affection for Marie, and have her thinking the whole time, "Get a life, lady... I barely know you.... I don't WANT to hug you."
Did any of you ever feel this way? Or did you just express your affection and not worry about it?
Lynn... You said,
So, the point of all of this is that my birthdaughter wasn't able to communicate what I mean to her when she was younger. I could tell there was some attachment, but had no clue if she ever thought about me when I wasn't there. Now, I know she does.
How did you know there was some attachment when she was little? Were there certain things she said, did?
Marie does not hug me voluntarily. She doesn't kiss me.
The closest thing I've gotten is her taking me by the hand this past summer and leading me down closer to the band at an outdoor music concert. She willingly initiated it and we sat on the grass together and she told me all about the music and the drums.
Other than that, I've never been alone with her since the hospital. And it is really, really hard for me to form a relationship with someone without one-on-one time. I do OK one-on-one, but groups... (shudder).
Michelle and Michelle,
Thanks for your responses, too. I honestly keep expecting someone to come on and start yelling that I can't close the adoption.
And if anyone does, that is fine. I really want opinions and experiences from people on this even if they're not supportive of closing it. Maybe I need a good kick in the pants to wake me up and give me the strength to keep going with it. I honestly don't know. But the compassion is nice, too...
Michelle, I know if I just search some of your posts I could find that letter format. Lemme try that and if I can' t find it, will let you know. Thanks.
Sorry these posts are so long... guess it's just been bottled up for a while.
N
P.S. Marie's birthfather is not involved in her life. So yes, I am her best link to knowing about him. Our relationship was secretive, so no one in my family really knows him. My parents have met him twice, but that's it.
P.P.S. kemf... you said "She has a right to know and most likely she'll want to." Do you think most adoptees want to know their birthmothers? Or do they mostly just want to know ABOUT their birthmothers and the circumstances? I guess I'm having a hard time believing Marie will really want to know me. Her story, yes. Me, no. Am I wrong?