[79nic]

Ok everyone.....

Let me have it. I don't care what you say to me, I have to post this. Because I really need some reactions, ideas, thoughts. Good, bad, whatever. Bring 'em on.

Here's the story:

Since before Marie was born, I've fully supported open adoptions.

I have always maintained that open adoptions are (usually--barring extreme circumstances) the best type of adoption for the child.

I am NOT revising that opinion. I still believe this.

BUT

I am becoming less and less sure of how MUCH of a benefit it really is.

Thought process here:
Lots of adoptees grow up happy and healthy and do not search their birthfamilies out. Would those adoptees have benefited from an open adoption? Even if they did... would it have really mattered to their lives to have openness? I mean, yes, if they'd had an open adoption, they would have had more people in their lives that loved them. But considering they turned out OK (better than ok--at peace, happy, successful) without the openness, then would it have been really that much of a benefit? In terms of truly mattering to their lives?


Now...
Let's say we could quantify the amount of "goodness" an open adoption brings to an adoptee, OK? Let's say it brings, oh, 15 pounds of "goodness" to the adoptee.

Now let's say that you can also quantify how much "pain" a birthmother gets from openness. Let's say she gets 30 pounds of "pain."

At what point does the birthmother's pain outweigh the adoptee's good stuff?

Never?




...I am really struggling with this adoption right now. The truth is, I can't get the thought of abandoning contact out of my head. I've been through it a thousand times, and it always comes back to one conclusion: I'd be doing it for a selfish reason. I'd be doing it so I could have some peace.

So yes, it'd be a selfish choice. I'd be doing it for ME, not her.

But I have to tell you (and this is the truth), as much as I believe, intellectually, that open adoptions are the best type--that they are good for adoptees--that they are important--

As much as I believe all that in general terms, I just don't feel it in my heart in Marie's case.

It's not that the openness is BAD for her. It's just, I don't see that it matters.

It's so extreme, my lack of belief in it mattering to her, that when her mom, Y, says that Marie mentioned me, or tells me Marie asked how she was born, I actually wonder if Y is making the stuff up. Just to make me feel important.

In my head, I know Y would never do that. But in my heart, I just feel so unimportant to Marie that I can't believe she even cares enough to mention my name.

Maybe that is the problem? Maybe if I felt I was worthwhile to her, I could keep going with contact despite the pain? Maybe, even, the pain would go away? Maybe I wouldn't mind the birthmother label... maybe I wouldn't hurt so much when I think about Marie.. maybe?

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I tell you, in my heart of hearts I want to shut the door and walk quietly away.

Nicole