[sbesser77]

You are now the child's mother. That is the fact. It is a fact he needs you to play out your role as his mother for the rest of his life. When you waffle about what that means, he sees it and it shatters his security, his safety, and his ability to develop any kind of selfconfidence or trust in anything.

I am a person who was removed at age three from my natural parents and against my natural mother's will. I was separated from my brothers who were placed in separate homes, and adopted into a home to grow up an only child the rest of my life.

I grieved for my brothers and mother all my life. But what was best for me was that my adoptive parents never saw themselves as anything but my parents. They never once said anything like, "I adopted them so I could put them on insurance." They put me on insurance because I was their daughter. They were my parents. Never in my life have I ever seen my adoptive mother as anything but my mother. Yes, I missed and grieved for my natural mother. But I needed a mother, not the ideas a child has of what a mother is. I seldom agreed with my adoptive mother, I was combative, argumentative, rebellous, strong willed, and had more intellect than I had sense. But none of that changed my parents resolve to be my parents.

Your son needs a mother, not a baby sitter, not a social worker trying to make sense of the behaviors of the past and trying to tie him and herself into knots over the emotional outbursts of others. This is your son. Protect him. This is your son. Teach him. This is your son, have mercy on him. This is your son, keep him safe. This is your son. He is a gift from God. There is no child like him. He may be the most hard to handle person on the world, but he is your son and God has given you the chance to change his life, mold him into what he may have never had the opportunity to be without you.

Should any other adult have easy access to your child? No. No other adult should have easy access to your child.

If visitation ever happens, it needs to happen under VERY carefully controled circumstances.

If certain behaviors are observed (which will take about two years to teach everybody)
If his behaviors before, during, or after the visits do not deteriorate,
If his therapist helps before and after and agrees that it is in his best interest
If things remain cordial between you and the other adult . . .

Otherwise, NO adult, I don't care who they are would get within 500 yards of my child.

I've parented 8 foster children and raised two children to whom I gave birth. When the fosters were in my care, I considered them MY children and I watched, nurtured, cared, guarded, and fought for their needs just as passionately as I did for the two to whom I gave birth.

Children need parents . . . not social workers . . . not the next installment on Ophra . . . not somthing out of Cops. They need stability, consistancy, peace 95% of the time, no matter what it takes.

If the child has brain issues . . . forget trying to add blame stupidity to it. It does not matter the origin . . . it must be addressed and overcome.

These issues could be the foundations of making him a strong, compassionate leader in adulthood or it could set himself up to become more of the flesh fodder floating aimlessly through life entertaining others with their desgrace and downfall.

None escape hardships. None. Not adopted people, not adoptive parents, not biological people, not sons or daughters not nieces, nephews or the mail man. If you overcome hardships with poise, grace, and confidence, in time he will too.

You've also not said much about this little guy's sister. Never in my life was I addressed, considered, or even secretly thought of as "the adopted one." I was not thought this way by my parents, or any member of my family. The few ignorant people who tried to pin that lable on me who was outside my family had no influence over me and the label never stuck.

Maybe the first thing you need to do is decide who is this child's mother and if this child is a true member of your family. If he is, be his mother. The day I burried my adoptive mother and then 27 years later burried my adoptive father, never did I know them as anything other than my parents.

I don't know if my parents would have allowed me regular contact with my natural mother, had that been an option, but I do know they allowed me regular contact with my natural brothers. Once I was grown they tried to help me find my natural mother . . . and it was never a case of them or her. They were my parents, nothing, nothing, nothing changed that ever again. This was the anchor to which I could hold. Nothing moved on that point, there was no discussion. There was no argument. There was no give. There was no question. They were my parents. The buck stopped right there. Good, bad, indifferent, they were my parents. They made good decisions. they made terrible decisions. They were wonderful. They nearly drove me crazy and visa versa . . . and to this day I praise God every day for them and their unswerving determination to be my parents, come what may.

Be his parent . . . first, foremore, and forever.

I am praying for you all.

Suzanne in Texas