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So I'm officially crazy!!!
We went down and for reasons unknown (at that time) I had a total anxiety attack....like get me outa here....I came home not even wanting to ever be a parent. A was beautiful and smarter than I could ever imagine. I panicked....I'm better now tho... S signed the docs and is "babysitting" her for us while we wait for ICPC. I guess in my state, the father legally has almost NO rights if he hasn't been ACTING LIKE A FATHER, I understand that this is a legal risk placement, but I'm willing to fight to make it work. I guess my own messed up childhood surfaced with a vengeance!!! I expected WAY too much and 9 yrs of habit/culture needing to change dramatically to be a SAH mom didn't help...I guess I was already emotionally vulnerable when I went down there too....PLUS I am someone (remembering my honeymoon) who needs a little longer to adjust to emotional relationships. And this little girl recognised us immediately and much to EVERYONES surprise (on her own) started calling us New mommy/daddy. Was very possesive of our attentions and I LOVE S and her hubby.....I could not have picked a more perfect relationship if I tried. It's indescribable the bond I have with S. I am determined to keep this as open as S wants and A needs. I have no fear ....She did an incredible job the first 3 1/2 yrs.... I understand why she is placing better now. She is dealing with some massive emotional problems herself and is unable to bond with A...She also said that she could see A's potential (cure cancer type stuff) and that she would not be able to help her reach her potential like we could. I corrected her and said that I thought A simply needs more than one set of parents. I'll post more when I can. I guess the adoption blues hgit hard and early for me. Thanks for all your wishes and prayers and advice. KEEP IT COMING!
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