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I am really not dealing with this situation very well anymore.
I could care less about the investigation...I just feel it will be over soon...I know we didn't do anything and they will see that too.
What i can't deal with is not having my little girl here. It is tearing me apart. I cry all the time and am constantly looking at her pictures. I just miss her so much. i even wrote her a letter/poem reflecting on her life with us and all she has overcome and waht a beautiful little girl she is turning into. She has always felt like my daughter. I have always felt like she was truly meant to be a part of our forever family. I can't bear her being in a home away from me...away from her family. Our 5 year old son is completely lost without her. He is always asking when she is coming home and needing a whole lot of extra attention....since his playmate is gone. Everyday she consumes our prayers and thoughts.
Evreything is making me cry. hearing a song or watching a show on t.v., looking at her pictures, or just everyday things....especially around the time her bus would be coming home from pre-school.
I've also been thinking a lot about her mom. I never met her until about 6 months ago...right before the 1 year court date. I instantly saw the love she had for her daughter and it pained me to see her cry...I cried along with her. it was the first time I realized that "My" baby really had two mothers who loved her very much. I had been through so much pain and loss with other foster kids leaving that even though I really felt she was supposed to be my daughter. I really hoped that she would get her life together so she wouldn't have to go through so much pain of losing her.Well her case kida flip floped for a while then her mom signed over her rights. She wanted us to adopt her baby.
Now, having had our daughter removed from our home I think of her mom often and how she must have gone (probably still is) through the same kinda pain I'm dealing with right now and for me it has only been over two weeks....she's been away from her daughter for over a year and a half. We've talked and both agreed to keep a kinda semi-open adoption....with pictures and visits (although she does know that we are in the military and will not be in the area forever). I just keep thinking of her and think maybe this is why this happend to us...so we could understand her pain....and to help our bond with her birthmom become stronger.
I know i can get through this we are half way there....it is just so hard to keep my chin up. My days are like a roller coaster of emotion....but I can never get all the way up...there is that constant knowledge that my baby is not with me...she is somewhere way across town with someone i don't know and neither does she for that matter. I hear she is in a single parent home with a bunch of kids. I wonder if her foster parent has time to hold her and kiss her goodnight. I wonder if she is throwing a tantrum(which she is famous for) and how the foster mom is dealing with it. I wonder if she is sad and missing her mommy. I sent some pictures with her in a little frame and i wonder if they put it up for her where she can see it so she will know we still exist and love her so much......I just want this to be over and to hold her in my arms and never let her go.
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