[mtlover]

I am I think at the end of feeling what you are going through right now. I am in recent reunion with my daughter after 17 years. The reunion was wonderful and I have been in contact with her and her family since.

After meeting her though, I experienced this incredible, debilitating, all consuming grief. I cried endlessly, and I felt shame, I felt such a low. I would be doing something like walking through the grocery store seemingly fine and suddenly a trigger. I would feel the pain so immensely that I would have to grab on to a shelf and the tears would be streaming down my face.

I couldn't figure it out. My daughter has a great life. She is beautiful, loved, confident, and brilliant. Everything I wanted for her. She knows the reasons behind the relinquishment and has expressed that she is happy with her life and happy to now have me in her life too.

I am a successful, healthy and optimistic person. I also take full ownership of my decision and don't blame the adoption industry for my choice. I did a tremendous amount of research and reading on the subject of adoption and through my reading, the light bulb moment. Please know this is only my experience... It may not apply to you in any way.

I was feeling what I was feeling because I chose the most completely unnatural option for the situation that I created for myself. I gave my baby to a stranger to raise because I didn't think I could. By my choice I ripped the natural bond that was created while my baby was growing under my heart. My body prepared me to be her Mom and I turned my back on that because I thought it was best for her. I didn't think I deserved her and I ripped apart the most natural, beautiful bond that is ever created between a mother and a child and it cannot be duplicated. It doesn't matter the reasons, it doesn't matter how much sense they make, how justified your decision. Of course I didn't know the consequences of my decision, what I was really doing, because I focused on the fact that by my decision, she would have a life I could not have provided at the time. I had to look at the reality of what I did. The reality of what actually takes place in a relinquishment in addition to all the other reasons you were aware of at the time. Only then, when I really looked in the mirror and realized the full consequences of my actions, the ones most won't or can't talk about, along with the ones everyone advertises. Only then could I begin to heal. And that is where I find myself today, at the end of being shame and the beginning of healing as a clearer, stronger and much wiser woman and Mother.

Again, this is my own experience and it may not apply to you at all. I just wanted to share.

My heart hurts for you today. You will make it through this time. You will want contact again. You will be proud and shed the shame you are or feel today. You are a beautiful woman and Mother.