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Sometime back, dl posted an article that I found really helpful. Nobody WANTS to be miserable, but many are. There is help. The book is well worth the money...
When Misery Is Company: Ending Self-Sabotage and Misery Addiction by Anne Katherine
Being miserable can become addictive
It's rare to find a person who doesn't want happiness. And yet, we may be unaware that we're maintaining patterns in life that keep us miserable.
In her book, "When Misery is Company," (Hazelden), psychotherapist Anne Katherine suggests that misery can be an addiction. But it's different from an addiction to alcohol, drugs or food because in misery addiction, "the manner of living" is the problem, according to Katherine.
Misery addicts are addicted to a system of living - including behaviors, thoughts, attitudes, actions and lack of them - that enables them to survive from day to day.
This crutch can include self-sabotage. We find the negative in a positive situation. We are indecisive or ambivalent. We feel incompetent or unworthy. We refuse to deal with our own behaviors from the past. We always have an excuse. And when others try to help us, we alienate them. We might be attracted to unavailable people.
These patterns sometimes are rooted in childhood experiences, when parents or caregivers acted in ways that left a profound imprint on us. A mom or dad may have withheld love or affection, abandoned a family, inflicted verbal and physical abuse, or failed to protect us. Sometimes, a loving parent may have died.
Sometimes these patterns are a result of poor choices we made when a young adult. Again, we always have an excuse. It wasn't really the result of our own choice, someone else "forced us". We blame our parents and alienate them ~ and then continue our self-destructive pattern by blaming them for the alienation.
It's crucial to understand these beginnings to deal with and overcome misery addiction.
Katherine suggests borrowing principles from the 12-step program and applying them to misery addiction. This can include being part of a recovery community and abstaining from the habits, behaviors, thoughts and actions that keep you trapped in the box.
Some personal questions to ponder to start to recover:
If something feels scary - a friend's reaction or a new task - what do I do?
In what ways do I protect myself from feeling afraid?
What do I do to keep from feeling uncomfortable?
How do I handle tough personal situations?
Were one or both of my parents or parental figures in my life mean, abusive, critical or harsh toward me?
What did I do to cope?
Am I being absolutely honest by accepting responsibility for my own choices that led to unpleasant consequences? Or, do I find an excuse by blaming others for the results of my own behavior?
Do I hide my feelings of inadequacy by fabricating my own importance in certain situations such as my job or my role in a group?
What are 10 experiences that I would like to have in my life?
What steps am I pursuing to have these experiences?
What slows me down or stops me from having these experiences?
If I could get help, would it be possible to have these experiences?
What steps can I take to get that help?
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