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Some thoughts from my journey..
Shame.. I read in a book that when you feel shame you can do something about it.. When you ARE shame you can do nothing.. There is no sorting it.. there is just being it..
And when we are shame we do not share our feelings with others. How can we. There is nothing to say.
But when we feel it.. We can sort it.. We can ask for others to help us like you are doing now.. Asking for input..
How do I love myself again?
I think that is work at hand...Its an act of loving the self..
Investing in the self.. Taking time to go to a group or go for therapy or write endless letters on the internet.. Sorting what needs to be sorted rather than pushing it back and going into the depression.
Facing that darn wall.. Feeling all is lost.
I slip into that place..
Feeling that all my decision are and or were wrong ones.. Feeling the decision to give my son up was a wrong decision. (staying stuck by saying I was forced and I do not forgive) My thoughts..
My negativity..
I can not go back and change it.. I can not go back and get him back.
I can not change the way this is done.. I can not change the world I am in.. The world I was in the sixties..
I am just part of it..
I just wrote in the healing wall place..
"Stand in the flow of life and pay attention".
That's all we can do..
Pay attention to the moment.. Stay connected to the moment and forget (let go of) the regrets.. and heck.. the resentments..
In another thread recently a birthmom pulled me back into my resentments.. My anger with my parents and all of the sudden I was there again.. Anger.. Feeling the anger..
I have to let it go.. I say I have forgiven my parents and I have.. but boy oh boy trigger me and I am right there.
And the act of love is me telling me.. Stop it.. Just stop it..
You gave that baby life.. You gave that baby a life..
And I weep with you that you can not be a day to day part of it.. I grieve with you.. I grieve with you in your sadness..
I swear you will come out the other side of this..
I swear that because you keep reaching out.. and you do not settle into the anger or depression that keeps us stuck.. Keeps us running in place..
Jackie
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