Deb, I am so sorry for your pain! I wish there was something that anyone could say to make you feel better. Before our daughter arrived two years ago we were matched with an expectant mother who after a lengthy relationship also disappeared; though it is certain that she was not using drugs or would ever in any way endanger her baby. She opted to parent, and I knew it was right. In your case the pain is so much greater because you do not have peace that the baby will be well taken care of and loved. She may resurface and want to connect with you again.
I think you and your husband have to communicate before you move forward; it is essential that you are both fully on board. Maybe he really wants to move forward but is fearful based on your experience thus far. Adoption is often a very arduous journey; while walking the path you sometimes do not know if you can make it any further. When your child arrives, you forget the challenges and heartache.
We jumped right back in, but others need time to process the experience, get strong again, and become ready to move on. Documenting our experience and my feelings in a journal was tremendously cathartic for me. Take care of yourself. Do things not related to adoption. Do something everyday that makes you smile, makes you happy and feel confident. Be open about your needs and feelings; the solution will come to you.
