[tobeafamily]

This is a very emotionally charged time for both your family and hers. She has stated she is afraid you will walk away. That's a HUGE fear for pbparents, especially when they've 'invested' in you two.

You've stated that you feel great love for her and feel this baby is meant to be yours. These strong emotions may subtlely work in ways that are not productive long term. They may not.

I think the concern here is that those emotions may get in the way of true understanding and agreement. Remember, only 6% of what you communicate is in the words you use. The other 94% is in your tone, pace, phrasing, nonverbal cues (including breath pace), and medium. And of the message that's sent, only 21% of it's total content is received.

You mentioned in your last post that it's the pbmom's choice whether to place with you. That is only half the truth - it's also your choice whether to accept the placement or not.

Being a project manager by training and profession, I tend to look for the 'core' of an issue.

At its' core, you are both taking a risk here. Your risk exposure is this: Should she ask after placement for visits (for clearly she has thought about them), you'll risk your child's relationship with their birth family on your response.

She's also got risk exposure: That you'll be honest and trustworthy and that you might be reasonable should things change down the line.

You both need to determine the outcomes of the risk scenario and weigh benefits vs. costs.

Are you willing to accept placement with the possibility that in 6 months she'll ask for visits, regardless of what she says now?

Is she willing to place, understanding that should she feel differently she may not be able to negotiate a modified relationship?

Bottom line: Since you are first time paparents, and she apparently is a first time pbmom, niether of you knows how you'll feel. You may think you know. Coming from the other side of that experience, I can tell you pretty definitively that you don't.

Believe me, it's a heckuva lot harder to have a lifelong rocky relationship with your child's birthfamily then it is to walk away. You may think this baby is worth it, and that it will probably most likely work out ok. There are warning flags that say it may not.

There are also women on this board who've been in this young lady's shoes. While none of us are 'experts', nor do we proclaim ourselves as such, we have been a bit further down the road than you and we do care about you, this child, and her.

If it were me, I'd bring in the services of a third party - counselor type - to help you all work through it.

IMHO

Regina