[AMom2Two]

I, personally feel that it asking too much of the paparents to expect them to educate the pbmother who selects them. It is easier to educate other pbm then the one who is carrying the baby you hope to adopt.

If I may talk from my experience, I too, was told much advice on how to handle our last match. While I did try to do everything right, I knew in my heart, I was incapable of educating her to keep her baby, even though, I knew she could parent. I knew she had the agency at her disposal and I feel it is the agencies job to educate the bmom, not mine. I did educate her about how other bmom's felt about aparents at the hospital and that is the reason why I think she should have "her time" at the hospital. I thought there would be plenty of time for me and the baby.

I feel when a person's heart is tied to the pbmother and the child, we don't want to lose them. If we built a relationship and we get along, then we are scared of walking away. I'm sorry but that is the truth. I also think it is unreal for us to push Kelly to educate the pbmom, for if she does that, then she can lose this baby that she wants. I know, I know, I know, you will all say that is the risk we run, but how many aparents who waited so long for a child, has the strength or the nerve to educate the pbparents when it means you are talking yourself out of a match? Human nature is tricky, I think we subconsciously protect our hearts.

I will admit that I sat quietly and let the pbmom struggle with the help of the agency. She wanted no visits for the first few years and I wanted visits. Yet I was too scared to push her because I was afraid she would find another couple and I thought I could live with no visits. It helped that I didn't talk to her face to face. It has to be much harder for Kelly because she does have that one on one contact with her.

Kelly has been matched with the pbm for quite some time now. She has an emotional investment in this. I think it is "unreal" to expect her to educate the pbmom at the risk of losing the child. That would be self-defeating. She is not being dishonest, in fact, I find she is being extremely honest with this pbmother.

It is the pbmom's responsibility to protect herself and stand up for what she wants. It is not the aparents job to educate them and explain the consequences of their actions. Kelly is not taking advantage of this pbmom. They were in agreement when first matched about no visits. Kelly is very sure she doesn't want an open adoption and if the pbmom does, then she should log onto a computer and educate herself. We do not live in the dark ages. Information is made so readily available, all you have to do is click.

Again, I think you are asking far too much from some aparents. JMHO

ps.. I did like the idea of the list that Volfe suggested.