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Hi Samantha,
I can only 2nd what Kathy has already said! As a post reunion birthmother (of a wonderful 21 yr old daughter with wonderful A-parents) AND a professional, I can only tell you that there are VERY few people left in the adoption arena (professionals or triad members) who think that birthmothers don't need to know how their children are! Whoever has given you this information is still in the dark ages. Even 21 yrs ago my daughter's Aparents and I (and my family & birthfather - now husband) realized that contact over the yrs was important to all involved. Back then most professionals didn't understand this but that has changed. Closed adoptions are almost unheard of these days and no agency or professional worth consulting would encourage anything less then a semi-open adoption. I can not begin to express how angry it makes me to hear that there are still "professionals" out there who would condone this inhumane practice!!! A-parents are likely to follow the bad advice of these "professionals" out of fear and ignorance but failure to educate oneself is no excuse! That being said it is still the responsibilty of a good agency to educate adoptive parents about the value and advantages of openness, to weed out families who are not comfortable with this concept and, if nothing else, encourage them to pursue an international adoption instead. They are also responsible to educate birthmothers about parenting and temporary arangments before pursuing adoption and to empower birthmothers to develop an open adoption plan and hold all parties to at least the minimum agreed upon arrangment.
So what am I trying to say? Whoever tried to tell you you don't need to know how your child is doesn't know what they are talking about and you should seek better guidance. If you are a birthmother who has had the miss fortune of placing your child in a closed adoption, regretably there is little you can do now. I hope there is some consolation in the knowledge that you made your choice out of a belief that adoption was the best thing for your child at the time. Just because the A-parents don't understand the advantages of openness doesn't make them bad parents. Educate yourself about the advantages of openness so that you can better state your case and look for a way to educate them or whoever is giving them guidance. don't give up. But also be respectful of the fact that they are the parents. They may also need to be reassured that you are not trying to disrupt their lives or role as parents. Rather what you seek is a relationship of mutual respect and compassion with an understanding that your lives are forever intertwined and that maintaining some level of contact can ultimately only benefit all involved especially the child.
All the best to you
Kim
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