Quote:
Originally posted by KellyStacy
We feel we need to once again tell them how as hopeful adoptive parents we need to be honost and let them know again up front visits are just not what we want.
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Kelly, you already feel like you need to be honest and that is good. Your heart is conflicted and that is why you came here to get advice. I commend you on doing this, instead of just telling the pbmom what she wants to hear.
I agree with you that you need to be honest with her and tell her that visits are not something you are comfortable with. I do get the feeling that her husband is trying to tell HER what to do. That is not good for her, emotionally or physically and can cause many problems for her and for you.
Some bmom's need to have more visits the first year and then they taper off. They need to know that the child is safe and well. It gives them comfort to see where the child is living, sleeping and how well they are being taken care of. Just as going to the doctor's appointments gives you comfort that she is including you, maybe you can open your door a little for her.
Maybe you can consider having some visits for the first year, while the child is young enough not to really understand. This might be all the pbmom needs or it may not be.
You really do have to follow your heart and be honest. Remember that the right children come to us if we are open and honest. A child we get by deception is wrong. I know you don't plan on being dishonest or you would not have posted this situation.
So, I do agree with you about being honest, even if it means walking away from this match. I have been turned down many, many times because pbm wanted closed adoptions. Don't give up if that is truly what you want. They are out there.
As far as telling the child about adoption, the other posters said my thoughts.
I know your heart is sad because this may not be what you hoped for. Hugs to you (((((Kelly))))))) at this difficult time.