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She refuses to go to counseling and badgers us to go way beyond the original adoption agreement (which we have to the point of unbelief) and then when we tell her no on something, she tells us we owe it to her because she gave us her baby, or tells us we scammed her to just get the baby! She won't see how this is just a bad relationship all the way around and especially for our dd. If she's doing this to us, she won't hesitate to do it to dd in the future. I've seen her do it to every one of her family members.
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IMO, this behavior is not what I would want my child exposed to. The fact that she not only treats you in this manner but every one of her family members seems to show that it is her personality and not necessarily even related to adoption.
In the book
Stand Up For Your Life by Cheryl Richardson, there is an entire chapter on setting strong boundaries. You might find it helpful. Best of Luck!