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I will give you my experience as an adoptee who "needs a little space" since reunion.
It may make a difference that I was 39 when I found my birthmother 2-1/2 years ago. Also, everyone is coming at reunion from a difference place in their lives and we all have different emotional needs. So there is no "one size fits all" answer. But there are some common elements that I have experienced and read in the forums here from other adoptees that you may want to consider. First of all - and I emphasize this -
TAKE IT SLOWLY!!!!!
Please take my advice on this, if nothing else. You have all the time in the world to build a relationship. But don't rush it. Let it build at a natural pace that is comfortable for both of you.
Secondly - take your cues from her. In most reunions there is bound to be one person who wants more than the other (at least in the beginning). Its not unlike dating! But the one with the higher expectations, unfortunately, is the one who has to be very careful about pushing for a close relationship too soon in the reunion.
Also, please consider using the following phrases sparingly: "I love you", "I think about you all the time", "I locked myself in my room and thought about you on your birthday/Christmas/Mother's Day", "I don't ever want to lose you again", "I feel so guilty about giving you up", "Do you hate me for giving you up?" and the always touchy, 'Call me Mom'"
There is nothing wrong, per se, with saying any of those things. And she may very well want to hear them. But a constant refrain of declaring your love/guilt/obsession may cause her to take a step back in emotional self defense. (I'm not making any assumptions about you, personally. This is a general observation!) From what I've read here for the past two years, and from how I feel myself, it seems that a lot of birthmothers go into reunion with a lot of baggage from the relinquishment that they want to resolve. Hey, I can totally understand that. 100%. But often it becomes a burden on the adoptee to be expected to constantly reassure a birthmother that, "No, I don't hate you", "I love you too", "I'm not going away". If we back off to reassess after the initial whirlwind of emotion, we are often met with frantic pleas of "Did I do something wrong. Are you okay? Are you mad at me?" etc, etc.
I would almost caution you to EXPECT her to back off at some point. It is nearly inevitable. A 21 year old is just entering adulthood, going to college, dating, and thinking about her future. She is likely to even pull away from her own parents at this time - a natural and healthy thing. So be patient, let her know that you would love to hear how things are going at school, work, whatever, and give her the space she needs to get to know you as a young adult.
I hope you have a wonderful reunion and many happy years being a part of your daughter's family. Sonata
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