[nrj]

I "am" having a cleaning frenzy! I am kind of glad and kind of sad. I am moving things and rearranging things. I feel that my sone, who also live with, are relieved too. They speak kindly of her and really tried to adjust for moms sake and I love them for it. I have a daughter who is 31 with two little ones and I want to spend more time with them. My friends say that I have a nice family and that i agree with. I just felt that I had the time to offer and the room to share and the desire to help a child if I could. It was nothing close to the was I expected it to be. I knew there wouldn't be appreciation and I understand that. What I really, really didnt have was the bodnind. Her behaviors got in the way of that and I felt less close to her with each passing day. After the fire setting, I began to actually dislike her. The caseworkers tried to make me understand that she was "testing" me, and that she would "probably" not do it again. I think the other families sent her packing after each other fire and they didn't want me to do that, so I didn't. I feel now that I should have. After that I began to resent her and dislike her because I have been very very good to her in every way and I felt that was a huge slap in the face. She is 16 and does know it was wrong to start a fire. I passed it off as an accident and showed her how to use the fire extinguisher and did not show that I was upset in front of her. Inside I was fuming that she would try this on me and run the risk of having my house in flames. That was definetly the turning point for me, because I realized she had no feelings for me or my family. Then I began to realize that I would never view her as my daughter and decided to end it. Some people may say that I should have known she was testing and that was helping her to know that I would never give up on her. I honestly didnt have it in me to continue and did give up. I dont think that I will foster or adopt again and I told my caseworker that yesterday. She said "take a weekend and go away and relax".. I honestly dont know if I can do it again, or if it was this particular child and situation. Right now I don't even want to think about it. I "may" go away for a few days, that sounds very good right about now. Nrj