I feel your pain like no other possibly can. I too was forced to give up my son 9 years ago in July. I am only 28. Like yourself, I did not know how I would and could possibly survive without him. I remember everything like it happened yesterday. You sit and listen to everyone that tries to give you advice, yet, they have never been in the position you are in now. I can only offer you my own trials and feelings of great loss and help you see how I have kept going these past 9 years. There were years after losing my son that I felt guilty of success, because that only showed me that we would have been OK together. It took someone special entering my life that taught me it was OK to go on. I live every day of my life to lead me to that one day of our reunion. I think my child will wonder about me and create some kind of image of me in his mind, and when he does find me, I want to have lived up to that. I cant feel guilty or ashamed of success over life itself.
You have to live every day for him, you have to keep going so that when the time comes when he wants to meet you and know you, you are there. I have drawn strength from him, I know that if I can live every day of my life without my son, I can live without any man and be OK. Therefore, I am not a women who will be taken advantage of, ignored or abused. And neither are you. You have done a very unselfish act. You sacrificed your happiness for that of your childs. It is OK now to be selfish, and hurt, and cry for your loss. You have given your child the life you wanted him to have, but could not provide yourself. Waking up on Christmas morning with mom and dad there, birthday celebrations with family on both sides without any tention, growing up without having to spend weekends here and weekends there.
Dont let people try to convince you it is something you will eventually "get over". Because you never do. It is simply a pain you get used to living with each day. And I promise you this, the pain does eventually weaken. My son is always in my thoughts, not one day goes by that I dont think of him and pray to god he is OK. It is the not knowing that can drive you crazy. Instead of focusing on that, focus on what you have done as a parent. It was your responsibilty to provide him with a great life, and you have done that. He is in a home with stability and love, you have bettered his life. I am not saying that the two of you would not have been Ok together. I know my son and I would have made it being together. But, our children deserve a childhood with fun memories, where they dont have to grow up so early. Where they dont have to be in daycare 8-10 hours a day while we go to work to support us. Sometimes, love just isnt enough.
I know how bad it hurts, and it always will. I allow myself on his birthday and at Christmas to cry all I want, to let myself feel the pain I conceal the rest of the time. It is either that, or just go crazy all together.
You will go on, you will go on for him. Live your life for the day he finds you. Dont let your parents or your boyfriend hold you back from that. As I said before, if you can live every day of your life without your son, you can live without any of them. Become the person he will think you are, so when the time comes and you two are reunited, he will be proud of his birthmom and he will be forever thankful for what you did for him. Please feel free to email me anytime at
abbyrsmith@hotmail.com. I really do know exactly how you feel, I havent met anyone else that can relate to my feelings, obviously you havent either. I hope this helps you. If you feel you cant go on without him, then go on for him.