[ddhuab]

I know you are just curious and opening a discussion here, not passing judgement, so please don't think the following is "judgy" on you. I actually was just thinking about this myself because I have two Aunts that were married many, many years but remained part of a childless couple. One of the aunts ran a daycare service in her home, so I think she had many "kids" that she could send home at the end of the day, haha. Also, her husband had a son from a previous marriage, so I don't think she was compelled to "give him" a family.

I recently learned that my other aunt was physically abused during the early part of her marriage to my uncle, who is a recovering alcoholic. They have been married forty years now, I think.

I think there are several factors that could affect the decision to remain childless or not pusue adoption even if you were "open" to biological children.

1) The cost -- although Foster care and adopting through the state is a reasonable option, many people, I think, are not prepared to deal with foster children... and if they are not, then it is better for the children if they do not adopt through the state. And for MANY couples, I think the cost of adoption is A LOT and very prohibitive. Even with the great TAX credit, many couples in the US don't even PAY that much taxes and thus, wouldn't get that money back or would get it back over a five year period. Although many people have done independent adoption for very little (or a reasonable amount) of money, that takes a lot of legwork and self-education. Finally, even though some of you argue most adoptions don't really cost more than a new car, well, lots of people live their entire lives without EVER being able to afford a new car. I am proud of myself for cutting out luxuries and clipping coupons lately... but there are a lot of people who have to do that just to live.

2) The "blood" factor - Sadly, I think there are many people out there who honestly believe that they could not really bond with an adoptive child. And if they really believe that, then maybe THEY couldn't, so, again, that is probably best for any potential adopted children.

3) The PAPER CHASE - This is a daunting task for even us well-organized people. Also, some people may have things in their pasts -- or present -- that they do not want to deal with and discuss with a social worker, like addiction problems, criminal histories, sexual abuse or domestic violence, grave financial problems.

For all that you know, this particular couple may have looked into adopting and found that they would face a huge barrier, something they don't feel comfortable discussing with their families or something the sister doesn't feel comfortable detailing to coworkers.

4) An honest self-inventory (or self-doubt) in which they realize they are not really READY to parent. This could be for any number of reasons, including pursuing a challenging (and time-consuming) career or enjoying time with just the two of them. To be honest, this is why my husband and I went several years without dealing directly with infertility problems. Many of our well-meaning relatives seemed to think we might be "selfish" or too "materialistic" when they thought we were putting off pregnancy. Although we would have loved any children that "popped up," we feel better about the fact that we really WANT this child right now and are planning for her. I wish more FERTILE people would think about this.

5) The feeling that they weren't MEANT to be parents... sadly, I think a lot of people feel this way. If that is the reason for anyone not adopting, I hope they research more about adoption and talk to adoptive couples before closing the door on that option.

D.