[tomandcate]

Hi mckenna,

I can share my personal experiences and thoughts on why this couple might feel that "not parenting is better than adopting" (although I will say that I think you might be jumping to a conclusion that they feel that way if the co-worker didn't say that exactly).

* They are scared. Our fear kept us immobile for so long, and that fear was based completely on our lack of knowledge. Almost all we heard were stories of how hard it was, how long it would take, how we might never get a placement. We didn't know any better (even a seminar two years ago with our local county agencies underscored the difficulties), so we accepted that as reality and we thought it was easier for our hearts and lives to just continue to focus on each other and our families.

* We were scared to "lose control" of who we invite into our lives - we have such a wonderful life together, and I really feared being at the agency's or birth family's "mercy" - again, pure fear due to ignorance on our part.

* They may not be able to afford it, or at least think that they can't.

* They haven't moved past their infertility struggles. Each person accepts it in their own time - seems like for many people it takes 4-6 years, but maybe they haven't mentally and emotionally moved on yet.

* They may have experienced a negative or heartbreaking adoption situation within their own families, and this is the only example they have to go on. One of my brothers and my sister were adopted, and that has always been a positive and affirming example for us, but not everyone has that. Even with the positive vibes in our family, I still sometimes thought that it was an exception and that I would never "get that lucky."

* The husband may not be able to get past the "I need to produce an heir" part of the equation - this was true for us for awhile, and my DH still struggles with it every so often, because he is the only son in his family and "the name ends with him." Likewise, I am the only birth child in my family who still has a chance to give birth to a child (f not for infertility, that is)...in those situations it can be difficult to "let go."

* Their families may not be supportive for some reason.

The list could go on...the bottom line is that every person/couple will have their own reactions, both to considering adoption and to others who've adopted, and it is in no way a reflection of your truth...it can hurt for others not to realize how beautiful your life with your son has been, but that is their issue, not yours!

Good luck with your next adoption too!

Cate