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Hi joanne and love4,
From an adoptee point of view I think there can be a lot of guilt over the hurt caused to adoptive parents by a reunion. I could imagine that for some adoptees it is easier to "choose" one set of parents than face the double dose of grief experienced by birth and adoptive parents.
I was a closed adoption in the 60's and I don't think my parents ever imagined I would try to search, so it must have been a shock. Although I tried to reassure them that I loved them,and at the time only wanted to find my bmum to tell her I was OK, I think they did feel threatened. They handled it by pretending it hadn't happened and changing the subject if I mentioned it.My adoptive parents were always emotionally distant from me, and sadly my relationship with them has ended-issues I can't go in to here, and not related to reunion, but maybe they just never bonded with me.
I think all sides of the triad can have anger to deal with. Maybe adoptive parents are angry that thier happy family is under threat.Adoptees can be angry at being caught in the middle and losing what might have been. If bparents were forced into adoption there can be anger over that,and that "strangers" have had all the special moments of thier child's childhood.
I really think counselling all round, probably separately is vital. You get so caught up in the enormity of your own feelings that you have nothing to give to the other parties.
Jude
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