[Bosley]

My heart breaks for you and this girl. If only you could have crossed paths sooner, before she'd had so many let downs. I understand your decision and in no way judge you, but I can't help wishing it could have turned out differently. She'll bounce around the system for two more years, then be on her own. Unfortunately, this happens way too often.

I worked for a before/after school program several years ago and was forever touched by a boy named Ian. His heart was broken in the very first years of his life through multiple forms of abuse by his bmother and her boyfriends, and his bfather. This boy had so much anger in him and each year the staff of the program was visited by his grandparents (they had custodial guardianship) and his counselor to prepare everybody on staff how to deal with him. The one thing that struck me from the very beginning was that this couselor/pshychologist and the family had already determined that he would probably end up in a residential facility, they were just basically trying to hold it off as long as possible. I remember being so angry about that - he'd already been written off!! He did NOTHING to deserve the start in life he had, and yet he had already been deemed a failure. The kid was 7 YRS OLD! And the thing is, he knew it. He knew they saw him as just a problem child, so that's how he viewed himself. He was considered basically untouchable (literally), and everyone was instructed to draw a very firm line of distinction between him and their authority. We were told that if he sees you as weak, he'll manipulate you. Don't try to be his friend they told us - he doesn't want you to be his friend, he just wants to control you.

The sad truth was, they were wrong. I became his friend, and still had his respect as an authority figure. I found creative ways to deal with some of the discipline issues he had, which I think is one of the things he ended up admiring because it was unpredicatible. This untouchable child would come in and hug me every morning, and we even had tickle fights. Sure, he tested my boundaries, especially that first summer we were together. But the one thing I learned about this kid was that he was sharp as a tack and traditional discipline just didn't work well. He loved a good challenge, and was not easily intimidated. But, boy, if you could outsmart him on something, it actually made his day!

I was devastated to learn that his grandparents ceeded custody of him while in junior high. He, too, was setting fires.

I have always felt that if so many people hadn't written him off so early, he would have had a chance at a halfway normal life. In the years I interacted with him and his family, I never saw them hug him, and the first question everyday they arrived was "did he get in trouble today?"

My prayers to you and her.