I was determined I was not going to post, but the more I read, the more confused I got. This is turning into another pissing match and I find that to be sad. This is a public forum. People post questions. Why is it if the answers are not in agreement, then they are judged to be biased or cold-hearted? numbr1dbcksfan posted:
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Adoptive parents here post whatever they want and are great at supporting one another--no matter how selfish or ridiculous their whine is... but it is not that same safety net for birthparents..they are run off by not just adoptive parents, but also birthparents.
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Why are they
"run off?" Because opinions differ? It is blanket statements like this that keep the gap widening between triad sides when we should be working to bridge the abyss. The very a-mom you are attacking is one who has painfully turned down adoptions because she is so determined to raise her children in an environment where the birthparents are part of their lives. She has actually gone as far as to have the birthparents staying in the home. I hardly think that qualifies as a
"selfish,ridiculous whine."
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AJ-- PLEASE DO NOT let statements like above bring you down. You HAVE to do what you have to do to stay with us. I know that when you are down it is so easy to listen to the one bad statement and ignore the 100 supportive statements. It IS OK to back off and take time to heal!
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Like what??? Perhaps you are letting you obvious dislike for dl cloud your thinking. I can see nothing in her post to classify it as a "bad statement." It doesn't appear to be AJ who is upset with anything dl or Amom2Two posted. From the following statement, I think you are the one who is wound up:
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I'll back off, but not because I'm wrong, because when I see people being so blatantly mean it hurts me as much as the person it is directed to. And this is all making me want to cry.
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I haven't seen ANYONE being
"blatantly mean," at least not to AJ. What I see is that Brandy posted a very insightful response, which several members from ALL sides of the triad agreed with and expounded on, but they are under fire for offering their opinions based on what they feel is best for the child. I'm confused at your obvious hostility.
Renda said:
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This for what it is worth is how I see it, I live in a the uk, were there are only closed adoptions.
I feel simply that if someone wishes to give a child up for adoption, then they should do just that, and give the child a chance for a completely new life.
To have another 'mummy' visiting now and again can be confusing, it is so much easier for the child to grow up with just one set of parents.
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With all due respect, this is not the UK, and all parties chose to enter into an OPEN adoption. I don't know how you have come to the conclusion that what is right for you is right for everyone. There are many members here who swear by their open adoption plan. Not all situations are the same. In the US, there are 3 general options: Open, semi-open, and closed.
AJ -- I realize you are in an emotional whirlpool. There have been some great suggestions offered, from books to counseling. I would encourage you to reread Brandy's post regarding the long-term implications of bailing out now. Even though you are not the primary caregiver, you have a place in your child's life. As time passes, things will become more "normal." Surely if you trusted the a-mom enough to raise your child, you can trust her enough to sit and discuss your feelings with her. She just might be a lot like Amom2Two...compassionate and understanding of your feelings, and the two of you can reach a comfortable middle ground. Best of luck to you.
--D