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aj,
Please correct anything I write here... I'm going to try to reiterate what you said and are feeling....
For the first year of the adoption, you've been a loving bmom, and you've enjoyed your visits. Your partner (hubby? boyfriend?--and he is also the bfather?) also enjoys the openness and wants it to continue.
However, you are feeling horrible because it's becoming apparent that your bson knows his adoptive mom as "mommy," and this not only hurts, it makes it impossible for you to focus on the connection you DO have with him.
Is this about right?
All of this is soooo normal. I know that probably doesn't helpl. You probably feel like someone's punched you in the stomach every time he call his amom "mom"...?
I don't know what to tell you, except that you are (I think) probably in the WORST PART of the adoption experience right now. When he was a baby, you could still think of him as "yours". When he's older, he'll understand you're his birthmom. Right now, he's making it hard for you to think of him as yours, and he doesn't understand what role you DO have.
It DOES get better. The age he is at is the height of the (normal) developmental "separation anxiety" phase kids go through. His clinginess to his mom will subside over the next year. Within a couple years, he'll be able to tell people your name when they ask "Who is your birthmother?"
I know you're hurting... I think it's only natural to want to close it off right now... but I really want to urge you to not do anything in haste. Wait a while... see how you feel in half a year... you may find that as his mommy stage lessens up, you start to feel better. Making a huge, life-changing decision when you're a very low point, emotionally, is NEVER a good idea (no matter what the decision is about).
I DO think you should step back a little if you need to. You already said you're not going to some of the visits. Don't feel guilty for that. I did the same thing... there were times my parents went without me. The aparents truly, truly understood. IF they're saying they miss you, take it as a compliment, not a guilt trip--they miss you and look forward to a time when you can healthily resume visits, but they understand that right now you're not up to it.
A few more hugs.... ((((AJ))))
Nicole
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