Quote:
Originally posted by BrandyHagz
Ok, my response wont be popular, just a warning.
I think birthparents that agree to an open adoption should be held to the same high standard that adoptive parents are held to.
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I agree with Brandy and I'm going to be the first you to tell you that I, personally, do think it is a selfish thing to do. You are doing it because it is easier on you. Here is the definition of selfish:
Main Entry: selfˇish
Pronunciation: 'sel-fish
Function: adjective
Date: 1640
1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2 : arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others <a selfish act>
- selfˇishˇly adverb
If an aparent would have posted this question, no one would have held back in calling them selfish, because it is. Open adoption is hard. It's hard to see your child loving another mother, looking like another person, wanting to be with another person, etc. It is hard on you, it is hard on us. We, meaning you and I (bmom & amom) are not doing this for ourselves. If aparent were, then there will be NO open adoptions, so we are doing this for the child.
If too many visits and too many pictures are hard on you right now, then just say so. Tell the aparents, you need a break, you will be in contact in time. Don't leave them wondering. My daughter's bmom did the same thing to us. One year ago in August, she disappeared and we are not sure if she will ever return. We live in limbo wondering if we should preceed to educate our daughter on the bmom and her family or just not talk about it. It is unfair to the child and the aparents to leave them hanging. It is not selfish of you to say, I need a break. I can't do this right now. That is okay, but please, don't walk away without a word and leave us wondering to how you feel. We need to communicate with our children about you. We need to talk about adoption, bmom and bdad's, how families are created differently. Your presence helps explain things, reassures the child that they were not abandoned, and provide the missing part of their life and background that only you can.
I would caution you to not do this. It may be easier on you, but harder for everyone else. Please think about this carefully.
Good luck to you. I agree with the others that running from your feelings isn't going to help, you need to talk about them and work thru them, for them to be released. I wish you peace.
Bye