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I had my daughter 5 years after I placed my firstborn for adoption. I was married and got pregnant intentionally 10 days after my wedding. I had done very well by waiting until I found my DH before having another baby. Believe me, the temptation to have a one night stand and get back to the motherhood I was denied had been strong for years after I placed my bdaughter. But, I resisted that urge and remained patient for dh to enter my life.
My mother was the ONLY family member supportive when I did get pregnant. Ironically, she was the only family member supportive in the pregnancy that I placed for adoption as well. My father and sister were absolutely furious with me. And, emotionally, that pregnancy was probably harder than the first pregnancy. I had worked so hard to supress my emotions in that first pregnancy that they all came rushing back the next time, along with a great deal of guilt for supressing them in the first place. I was terrified I was going to lose this very longed for baby, simply because I had so desperately hoped to lose that first one and didn't. I thought I would be punished by losing my longed for baby as punishment from the first time around.
I was a complete mess. Bless his heart, DH was so supportive. And, quite frankly, I was still a bit of a mess with ds, born 23 months after dd. But, a miscarriage preceeding both of their successful pregnancies just did NOT help me emotionally, rather it confirmed my irrational fear that I was being punished for my past.
Frankly, 11 years after I placed, I still refuse to talk about that first pregnancy AND any subsequent pregnancies with most of my family. I'm a SAHM now, so clearly I'm a failure as far as my family is concerned. I placed a child concieved of rape for adoption, so I'm a failure because I was pregnant in the first place. And, talk about being ashamed to let people know, my father put me on an airplane to the Pacific ocean when he found out I was pregnant. He told me I could come home when I was no longer pregnant, irregardless of how I was no longer pregnant. Yes, I was dumped and on my own in an island in the Pacific Ocean, raped, stalked and pregnant at 16 years of age. Even after the ordeal was over, my father had the gall to inform me that I was at fault for my own rape and resulting pregnancy. Can you guess that I haven't had a meaningful conversation with that man in 10 years, since he informed me of that?
I will say this. I did some really deep self-examining before my last pregnancy. I was tired of paying penance for my past, tired of feeling guilty for having a good life now, and tired of waiting for retribution for my past. I was tired of being made to feel ashamed and guilty by my family. I wanted to embrace my life, my family, my children and my pregnancy with complete abandon and joy. And, this last time, that is precisely what I did. That was 2 years ago, and I'm still standing strong (though not currently having another baby for medical reasons).
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