[ddhuab]

It sounds like you are very uncomfortable with the prospect of the bgrandmother holding the shower, and for some very valid reasons.

Perhaps she could hold A shower that included your very close family and friends (or none of them) and bmom's family and friends that would be invited. If none of bmom's circle WOULD be invited, then I think it is inappropriate for her (bgrandma) to host the shower. After all, in my experience people often have two or three baby showers depending on how integrated (or not) their family and friends are with one another or with the coworkers of the couple.

I think the person who throws you a shower should be very close to you. On the other hand, maybe the bmom secretly would enjoy a shower, but would feel uncomfortable around a lot of adults she doesn't know, so you may only want to invite people from your circle that she might actually interact with in her continued open relationship with you (your and spouse's parents and siblings, if they will be part of the bmom's visits and celebrations).

Also, and this is more of a petty kind of thing, but I am playing devil's advocate here... what if the bfamily changes their minds again... would they expect all of the shower gifts? Would such a discussion/scene add to your pain in a failed adoption? Much of the stuff you and dh will get for the shower will probably be stuff you can use with the next match, and many adoptive parents would feel uncomfortable having multiple pre-birth showers with multiple matches.

In the end, as all the posters have advised, you need to do what you feel most comfortable doing. I, personally, would feel a bit uncomfortable with all of my friends and acquaintances at one big party with a birth mom that was so much younger than all of us, and I would suspect she would feel uncomfortable, too. If it were a birthmom I felt really comfortable with and felt I had a lot in common with, it might be a different story... and there are lots of rooms for in-between scenarios with your guest list. All I am thinking is that the less educated the guest list is about open adoption, the more opportunities for foot-in-mouth scenarios and hurt feelings.

Sorry if I am butting in where I don't belong. I love the idea of many aspects of open adoption, but am not prepared for the possible long wait for a domestic match, so we are adopting internationally for this 1st child.

Good luck in being at peace with whatever decision you make,

D.