[3lost]

I can't stop crying.
I want to quit trying
Everything I hoped for is lost
What do I do now?
Is it so wrong to believe what your told?
Is it so wrong to give your children a better childhood then you could have and then to expect them to come home and tell you how much they love you because you hurt for so many years so that they could be happy?

Why couldn't they just tell me 17 years ago that I would never see them again?

Why does it hurt so much?


what can I do to get past this pain?

Why has my whole life been one person lieing to me after another?

I went to them for help and they just wanted to take my kids.

What about me?

I need them to help me too.

now I am depressed again.

Now I am blaiming again.

I am fighting hate again.

Will I win this time?

Do I even want to try?

How bad is it to hate your children for not caring about you?

How bad is it to want to hurt them for hurting you?

I hate myself for these feelings but there they are.

I want to hurt those who told me I would receive a phone call from them on their 18 birthdays.

But instead I just sit here and hurt.

My hurting hurts my family. My husband and my one daughter that is here with me now. At 10 years old how can she understand that mom is dieing inside because she doesn't know how to get over the fact that her children don't care about her anymore.

What am I to do with her?

I have no love to give her anymore because there is too much pain. It is blocking everything.

Why do I even write this letter?