Had to respond to this one. I am a 47 year old adoptee that also had support of my aparents in my search. I never knew about any fears they may have had...And I am sure they had them....they totally understand MY NEED to know about my biology. They in no way shape or form negated that NEED. It did NOT take ANYTHING away from them. My aparents are my mom and dad. My afamily is my family.

I do understand your fears but just as bmoms need to put aside there wants and be realistic about there ability to parent, it was that realistic thought that made you the parent you are today. You need to be realistic in that your daughter IS your daughter...BUT she is also someones elses daughter. Your daughters needs, wants and questions are to come first. She is 17 and is deserving of knowing the truth now as it happens....if you hide it from her you will forever loose her trust, something that all human realtionships are based on. Tell her your fears of her being hurt....but realistically you don't know if she will or won't be hurt. Tell her that you don't want to much distraction in this time of her life..and why....she will ultimely make the decision...as she should. She will only be "under your rule" for a short time. Come next year she can legally search and do it behind your back...would you not want to be there for her. The fact that you THINK she doesn't want to know is only to protect you. Have you ever point blank asked her ...without any judgement...Do you really KNOW OR CARE how she feels. The reality is you came to be a family through adoption....you can never pretend otherwise. Her biology is different then yours and if she wants to know her biology she has a right to know and how much easier for her if you supoorted her. As an adoptee, one of my issues were , how we as adoptees always had to tip toe through everyones feelings and not "hurt" anyone. How we are supposed to be "grateful" for just being born, we are supposed to be ever so "grateful" that we were not aborted, that we were adopted into wonderful families, that we actually have a life.......Don't get me wrong...I am gratyeful for the turns my life has taken but no more grateful then anyone else, Funny, my born children don't even need to think of that...they just know they are part of this family and don't "owe" any more then any other child. They just are....all children deserve that whether adopted or not....

There is an articule in todays Boston Globe about a korean adoptee searching for her roots....she just wants to know....it DOES NOT CHANGE HER FEELINGD FOR HER PARENTS...it does not make her ungrateful, it does not make her any less of her parents child. One thing she said was "I just want to know" Thats how I felt and still do.....I just want to know, I understand totally.

Try to temper your own fear and really look to your daughters needs. Yes, maybe you felt you would have to deal later, some vague concept you nevere really thought would happen...but it has and needs to be dealt with now, it s your daughters story.

BTW...I have always felt that late teens IS usually to young to deal with these issues. I do agree with you there......but the wheels are in motion and if you really want whats best you need to ask her first, let her know that you value her judgement. This just may affect your realtionship for ever.....secrets are not good.

Shirlyville.....where ae you...she needs to hear your story....and the betrayel you felt!!