[LoveRiddenDad]

I want to address this piece by piece, and by no means am I saying my perspective is the right one.

"About 6 weeks ago, I was contacted by the social worker that helped us with Rosemary's adoption. I lamost fell off my chair when I hear what she said. After nearly 17 years, R's biological mother was asking for an update and requesting contact. I got the impression that she thought it was OK to "open" the adoption because "that's the norm now" as the Social Worker said!"

The woman wants to know her birthchild is healthy and happy. I can't really explain it any further.

"We don't know anything about this woman. She could be a drug addict, she could be a scam artist. All I know is that she was 17, healthy, of Italian decent and didn't want my precious baby. And now, she thinks she can just come right back in here a lifetime later and pick up where she left off?"

For all the birthmother knows, YOU could be an abusive drug addict. (No offense.) Most birthmothers don't "reject" their children, but know they can't give them the life they wish to provide. She waited seventeen years until your daughter was capable of making decisions. She didn't step in seven years previously where your daughter was at a more emotionally fragile stage. You have to give her that.

"I know that some people want to find their biological families for mediacl reasons and such, but I know that my children have no need for such things and they have always both been so good and happy. So I told the caller that I would discuss it with my husband and we would get back to her."

You can't speak for what all human hearts want. Even if you were a wonderful mother, sometimes a wonderful mother isn't enough to complete us. I had a WONDERFUL mother, but there are so many people that make my life what it is. The more we know, the better.

"We decided that while our daughter was still a child and under our supervision, she really could not make such a decision and did not have the emotional need or capapcity to deal with a situation like this."

She's seventeen, hardly a "child." Teenagers are amazing human beings. She doesn't magically change at eighteen into becoming an adult. Seventeen year olds are beginning college, romances, lifelong friendships. Let her explore or she'll be a very bitter woman towards you, and you don't deserve/want that.

"If she wants to when she is older, then I cannot stop her, but I am really afraid right now that she would not be able to really understand this woman's place and could be taken advantage of emotionally."

Okay... What do you mean by "taken advantage of emotionally?" Do you mean bmom is going to cut her off from feeling emotions from other people and demand she not have relationships with other people? (Read that carefully.)

"She is at a really important place in her life now; being accepted into a good college, her last year at really being a kid, all the normal stuff that we have strived to give her and she does not need to be sidetracked right now by things much less important to her life's future."

I am a part of many things, as are all people. You can't place a value on what will effect her. For a lot of adoptees, having that biological connection makes a huge impact on her life. We can never totally know what a person needs or feels. You have to give them room to grow.

"While we were discussing this, I guess she over heard my husband and me, but R didn't say anything. I was not going to talk to her about it since we had made a final decision. I just noticed that she started acting odd."

She's acting odd because you're forcing her to be helpless about something that holds meaning for her. Be gentle; you could potentially break her spirit. Your daughter deserves a say in HER life. You can't live it for her.

"Aparently, after hearing us, R went on to some internet places and read all this stuff written by biological mothers about the children they adopted out and the "mother child bond" I don't know exactly where she went, but thet stuff that she is saying is crazy!!! She is talking about how children were stolen!WHether we "cohersed" her biological mother. And is demanding that we allow her access to her "natural" mother. She will not accept that it is not possible for at least another year and will not listen to reason at all. Suddenly, I have become the worst mother in the whole world and I feel like my heart has been torn in two! And she keeps trying to "educate" my other daughter also."

This is going to sound really mean and I'm sure this will get me reported, but as an aparent, not an adoptee or a bparent, I have to say it. MAYBE she's angry and feels like you were manipulative towards her bmom because you're seemingly behaving in a manipulative manner now. You're not allowing her to explore her roots or the chance to even decide if her bmom is worthless. And she may be a total wicked pig, but that is YOUR DAUGHTER'S decision, not yours! YOU are hurting your relationship with your daughter at a critical period. This is when she needs you to be the mom and be supportive! I'm not saying you have to support visits, but maybe help your daughter write a letter. What is the harm???

"We have taken away her laptop so she can't read this nonsense anymore ( and here I am asking for help), but she is like a changed person. All I know is that if she acts like this after just knowing a little bit of information, then there is no way she can handle anything else right now. She is angry and nasty and talks about adoption all the time. She claims we are all in denial and not accepting her "true self"- oh, it is terrible!"

Who is her "true self?" People are constantly changing and growing intellectually. You can't shelter her forever. This can bring you closer or tear you apart.

"So please...what can I do? How can I get my daughter back and make this nightmare go away?"

You walked into "this nightmare" when you adopted a child. Sorry, every situation comes with its unique challenges. Learn to love and accept it. You and your daughter both deserve to feel happy and loved. Give your daughter back her laptap and apologize. Now is the time to recognize she's becoming a strong, intelligent lady.

Good luck,

Mike

I said NOTHING out of malice, but out of my own slow understanding of the process. Feel free to pm me to discuss your feelings. I agree with the other posters; bmoms are usually pretty cool people.