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I am a birthmother and also a parent. I am going to try to be objective and give you advice that won't make anyone bristle.
First off, the emotions surrounding relinquishment often stick with a mother for years to a lifetime after. So, if society suggested the baby were better off adopted, and having no contact with her, that is probably the reasoning behind your never hearing anything from her. Maybe only recently has she realized that contact is possible and would benefit the adoptee.
YOUR feelings are Fear of Loss. Anger usually is a protective mechanism to resist pain. Our pain. I know, I wear it well. It is also a part of grieving.
Alas, your child is no longer a child. Certain truths that you must come to terms with are:
1. Your child is not only yours, she came with a history that is not your own, and it is her right to know it. Adoptees often want to know their bparents, she obviously does.
2. She is practically an adult, a very intelligent adult, and she can and will do as her heart desires. Including researching any topics she wishes.
3. A woman with an intimate relationship to your daughter exists, and will probably be in your daughters life again soon. Be she friend or foe is up to you.
Anxiety is a failure to accept your fate. I realize that having the ideal dream of your future replaced by the grim and real present path of your future is Loss. Grieve it if you must.
Most birth mothers are NOT sleezy freewheeling drug addicts. Especially 20 years after the fact, they are often normal women with lives, careers, etc. They are also women with a pain in their heart.... A part of their heart that is missing.
Also, please realize that censoring your daughter's reading materials is archaic. You cannot change the way she thinks by limiting her access to materials you deem inappropriate. You need to accept her thoughts, her ideals, her whims as parts of her.
She very well could have gotten all of her information HERE on the adoption forums. Have you read the birth mother threads? Broaden your world and read some.
Personally, I look forward to being my children's friends rather than parent. That is, the children I placed into adoption. Yes, I've done it twice and I'm quite the normal person. No track marks, no police record, heck I even own a car!
I recommend accepting your child as the adult she is. Accept her with all the past that she carries. Or you could very well lose her.
Maia
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