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Patti,
I am an adoptee who was raised always knowing I was adopted. I was blessed by having parents who let me know from the beginning that my birthmother loved me very much, but was unable to raise me because of circumstances beyond her control. Their attitude and willingness to support me , are among the main reasons that I always felt secure and special because I was adopted. My Mother gave me what little non-ID information she had and her blessing to search for my birthfamily. I believe in my heart that she was a little frightened at the chance I might turn more to my birthfamily if I found them and move a little away from her. But there is no one that can ever replace my Mother and Daddy. To turn somewhere else never occurred to me. I totally admired , respected and loved her for being willing to give me the information and blessing even tho she may have have fears of her own. Although I lost my Daddy when I was 13, I feel he too would have given me his blessing and support.
I have told you this to give you a little of my background and maybe understand where I am coming from
You were blindsided with this information and automatically went into a protective mode for your daughter. Unfortunately, out of fear and wanting to protect, we as parents, or even as human beings assume the worst about that or whom by
which we feel threatened. This is just human nature. I might suggest that you try to find out more information about your daughter's birthmother. She may turn out to be a very wonderful, respected and understanding person who has overcome prior problems and made a good life for herself. I believe many mothers, be they birthmothers, adoptive mothers or natural mothers, would want to know about their child and have connection with them.
Julie had very good suggestions about handling this situation. Remember your daughter is already 17 and in less than a year can legally pursue this on her own. Rest assured , she will do this. Would it not create a more positive atmosphere if you could and were willing to work with and support your daughter in this, be there for her to try to help her find factual answers to her questions about adoptions, to help her see the difference between opinions expressed by ones spouting false information brought on by their own bitterness and anger and narrowmindedness , and the opinions of those who can look at
the adoption topic with fairness and openmindedness and can give the loving side of the topic?
I believe if I were in your position, I would try to sit down with her and explain what the reasons and fears were that caused me to react the way I did. I don't know that I could apologize for how I reacted initially, but I would tell her that I realized there may have been a better way to handle things. I would most definitely give her the computer back. I would try to assure her that I had faith in her and her ability to make wise decisions. I would tell her how much I loved her and that I would like to help her find valid answers to her questions and be a supportive, loving part of her search. If this information is important to her, then I am sure it is important to you. You have instilled in her good values and she will draw on that to make wise choices. I think she felt confused and angry that you were not including her in making the decisions. When this happens, a person often will seek other means to understand what is happening and as in this case, will get poor information. I think she struck back at you because you were closing her out of something so much a part of her.
You expressed the thought that she did not need to be sidetracked by something that is not important to her life's future. I can assure you that to many adoptees, no matter whether their home life has been super positive and loving or very negative, knowledge of their birthfamily is extremely important,.
You also mentioned that you felt your children did not need their medical history. that they were both good and happy. Medical history is very important because it can play a major role in preventative medicine and help explain serious medical problems that may arise. Most adoptive parents are given only a limited amount of information, if any, about medical history. a good portion of a person's medical condition is based on genetics.
I do hope this has not come across as my attacking you for your actions. It was a scarey and threatening situation and I know you did what you thought was best to protect your daughter...and that goes to show how very much you love your daughter. I am only trying to give you another perspective to think about. It is not always easy to be a Mother. We all try to do the very best we can. I hope that you and your daughter can find a positive, workable middle ground.
Please feel free to pm me if you have in question or if I can help in any way. I understand that this situation is hard for you.
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