[nikki27]

Hello,
My name is Nikki. I am an adoptive mother of two children. I am very sorry you are going through this pain. My advice would be to be your daughters advocate. Be by her side and love her. I know that you are terrified that the birth mother may in the near future have a place in your daughters heart that has never been outwardly spoken of. Truthfully, she probably has thought of her more than you realize. I think she sences that it is not a comfortable subject. I would not give the birth mom visits. Very inappropriate. It may be in your benifit to write her an update letter gushing about how well your daughters doing and her accomplishments. Maybe possiably???? even have your daughter help write it (she's 17). I would tell her when she's an adult and ready together you can make further contact. In my opinion if you are your child's advocate you cannot lose. You and your husband and daughter are her forever family. She will want to meet her especially now since it seems forbidden. It is more an likely inevitable so I would not make it a negative thing. My son was taken at birth because mom did meth. she has not tried to make contact with us however after finalization I wrote her a letter thanking her for giving us a beautiful son to love and adore. I assured her he was going to have a good life with lots of love and oppurtunity. Well, I never thought I would get a responce however three months later she sent a letter thanking me for giving her peace and that she was so glad he was with us. I am going to send a letter once a year and a picture. My reasoning is for my son. He will not know about it until I feel he's ready but I want to assure him peace when that day comes. I know the day will come when he wants to meet her but I am not worried because we have corresponded. If it is a bad experience for him I will catch him when he falls. If he wants me there when he meets her I will be if not I won't. If I were you I would corrospond with her before your daughter is able too, out of anger she may say things to birth mom that will hurt you. You do not want a relasinship between them that is built on a commom thread of resenting you. Remember you have raised her you are irraplaceable so keep that position and be her ally. Birth mom is already going to be sad because someone else raised her daughter (even if it was by her own choice) You do not want your daughter going to her for comfort over issues she can't openly discuss with you. I wanted to share with you my experience I hope all works out for you. Remember to keep your daughter's needs first even when it's not comfortable for you. That is sooo hard because we love are children so much. It sounds like you have two wonderful children and have done a good job raising them. This may be the hardest part of the journey. She is so close to 18 I would not put off writing birth mom. I would talk with the 17 yr. old and w/ dad and discuss what your comfortable with and what you are going to do. I would tell her I will write Bmom a letter and you can read it and help make any corrections you think are needed. I wouldn't go to deeply into your lives. Maybe reassure her your daughter is happy, maybe hobbies, goals. Thank her for giving you a daughter to love and adore. The greatest gift of all. You can set the stage, be in control, etc. Your sweet daug. is starting college soon so she needs to be in a comfortable place if she is to succed. Please PM me if you want to talk more. I know I think diffrently then you but sometimes that is the best way to come up with solutions. I will pray for you and your family.

Nikki