[manon]

If you haven't read it already, try reading "Building the Bonds of Attachment" by Daniel Hughes. It's really excellent about giving concrete descriptions of therapeutic parenting. The thing in particular that struck me when you were writing was that you said you don't understand why she tries to mess things up when she wants permanent placement so much. I think parenting a child like this is extremely hard, and the starting place is understanding precisely that.

It sounds to me like she has a core belief from her past experiences that she is unlovable and won't be kept, parented, nurtured, included in a family, etc. You may think, well, why not just change your behavior to make it more likely you'll be loved, etc? Kids who believe they are unlovable generally have a desperate desire for that love at the same time that they need to take control of their situation, prove themselves right (that they are unlovable), and cut off their nose to spite their face. Maybe not as literally as cutting off their nose, but pretty darned close -- sounds like she may very well burn the house down if given the opportunity.

Convincing a kid like this that she is lovable and helping her contain her anxiety when things are going well between you (she's anxious because it's different from what she's used to) is not easy. It can be sort of like trying to convince somebody that gravity has changed and all they have to do is take a step off a cliff to discover you're right and gravity has changed and now they aren't gonna fall.

I adopted a toddler internationally and have zero experience parenting an older child, so I only know what I've read, so please feel free to disregard what I'm saying since it doesn't come from my own experience. But do check out that Daniel Hughes book. And from what I've read on this board, it does sound like you may not really be doing her a favor to finalize if it means you won't have the state involved as a party to paying for special therapy. Sounds like she may need that in the future even more than she needs "finalization."

Good luck to you. Even if this match doesn't work out, maybe it will help you know what to ask for or what to watch out for with the next placement.