[nrj]

Yesterday, This morning we had an incident where she was late for the bus and tripped and bumped her knee and scratched her arm. She was up in plenty of time to make it. I did ride her to school, but most of the way stressed responsibility and reinforced her goals to do well in school. I got a call from the school that her knee was sore and she was in a wheelchair and that I should come for her. We had a problem where she faked being sick and was lying on the floor at work pretending to be unconscious and they sent for the EMS, only to be told that there was nothing wrong with her and to take her home. I was told that she does this every placement. This really made mad this morning because I had to cancel appointments at work go to the school and then I had to bring her to work because I didnt want to leave her alone at home. It seems when she feels rejection or needs attention she acts up. She has set two fires prior to coming my home because she found the other families weren't going to adopt her. She already had one in my home with a dishrag on the stove, very same situation as the other fire, a potholder. I brought her home and had her stay in bed today to "rest her knee". which there was nothing wrong with , since she ran into school when I dropped her off this morning. The school nurse also called me to confirm that she was ok. I told her that I knew there wasnt anything wrong with her knee and asked why she was doing this again. It was only last week that I told her that I wanted no incidents. This was a new school and I didn't want to see her in the nurses office. She cried and carried on and needed to speak with her caseworkers and said that I didn't understand her. I've been told that this is happening because she feels that finalization will truly never come, even though it's close, and she wants to be in control of the situation. If it's not going to happen, then she wants to be the one to be in control. and that she'll do everything she can to test me. The paperwork is started and we were to finalize soon. Meanwhile, I'm about ready to LOSE MY MIND. She has done several things that I know most people would have disrupted long ago for. Im doing this myself, since I'm a single parent, and it's been very very hard even with my support in place. About 95% of me has decided to put her in respite and then disrupt. I feel mentally drained and am afraid that if I sign the papers I will be making a mistake. Most of my friends think that I dont need this stress in my life because I have a nice family and grandchildren, but they're not foster parents. I just really wanted to do this. Im just not sure if this child and I are right for eachother. Theres not much of a bond. Her behavior makes it hard. I honestly didn't think it would be as difficult. I thought "I AM WOMAN" I can do anything. I actually thought it would be fun (where was my mind) lol. I get aggrevated because it seems that it should be so easy for her to just do what she's suppoed to. I cant understand if they want to stay why they try to ruin it. It doesnt make sense. I feel that I may have made it through the worst (4 1/2 months) and I've been trying not to send her to respite. I really could use a break. It has been totally overwhelming and nothing like I've ever experienced can compare to this. She asked me tonight if I was going to send her away and she said she doesn't think there will ever be a family for her. Thats where the guilt kicks in and the other 5%. I know that I am supposed to say she's staying no matter what she does, but I'm afraid to tell her that for fear I cant make it. All of her past placements told her that, and they didn't keep that promise. I honestly dont know what Im going to do at this point. I feel sorry for her after all of the yelling and carrying on is over, she looks so innocent and helpless (she puts that face on too). It's when its the worst, that I make the decision to disrupt because it seems we're going no where. I keep saying " if one more thing horrible thing happens thats it, but don't do it. I could go on and on. It is a huge decision and I'm exhausted. Thanks for all of your input. It gives me a lot to think about. nrj