[aMarylandfamily]

Our family has had what I guess you would call two disruptions ... one prior to finalization one after (we still hold legal rights but the State hold care and custody).

The first disruption came about 60 days prior to finalization - as we were experiencing extreme/suicidal behaviors of a 5 year old little girl whom did not qualify for in-patient psychiatric treatment due to age. As things became more severe the pressure to finalize became more intense ... when we voiced disruption we were asked to consider attachment therapy (two week program for complete family). After much decision making we decided that it was not in the best interest to have the child remain in our family. While we did love her we knew that it just couldn't be. Boy did it hurt ... six months later she went for that attachment therapy with a foster parent ... results were non-existent and things intensified to her admittance into a long-term residential program where she remains at age 10. Are we glad we didn't finalize - yes but with regrets that things couldn't be different. Had we done so, the placing agency would have been released for responsibility and our home state would have had to provide services.

Our latest "placement out of home" occurred when bi-polar disorder kicked in and required residential treatment services as our then 12 year old became dangerous to others and self (including me and family members). Two years later, he has currently stepped down into a therapeutic home with a recommendation that he not be returned to us (unless we fight for same ... how can we when he wishes for no contact/no relationship) and the behaviors while in control in a 24/7 monitoring system are still very much an issue (including sexual predator on peers). Do we regret finalizing ... no but yes - after our first we were probably too anxious to get to "finalization" so we jumped at the very first calendar opportunity. Do we still love him - yes - but with a wish that he had remained "long term foster care" so he wouldn't have been expected to attach or become a member of a family which he most likely is not capable of and then maybe he would want contact even if the need for services outside of our home became reality.

And in between all these words comes my recommendation. I agree with an above poster ... if she is high school more than likely her permanency plan calls for "long term foster care or adoption" ... continue with the long-term foster care if you wish to continue trying for some more time and then make your decision but don't finalize just because the calendar or a worker says it is time. From your words, you don't know what will occur when she thinks "you can't send me away now" if so much is happening before finalization. If the workers, balk then accept what a wonderful difference you have made while she was with you and ask what you can do to continue a relationship while she is placed elsewhere. You can always love and care for her but you must know your limitations and not let your heart rule keeping her if it will eventually be detrimental to her or you both.

Sorry this is pessimistic but having been here and done this situation I know that it helps to hear what is real.