[nrj]

I havent posted for a while because I have been very busy with the child I have been matched with and who has been with me for a few months. It is nearing the time to finalize and I'm having doubts about it. She has been a real chore for the first three months with testing and various incidents and problems, also a small fire, which her profile stated she had done twice before in previous placements. Every time that I feel that the testing is over and things will work out, she does something else. Now with school starting (she is in high school) I feel that there will be problems in the classroom and with the students. Deep down inside I feel that she will never change. I have had some really stressful things happen and thinking back on them, I probably should have disrupted a few months ago. This child has been in four pre-adoptive homes and a group home. She is counting the days till her permanency, and I get the feeling that I haven't really seen her in action yet and that things will continue to go down hill once I finalize. She is clever and knows how to be the perfect child if she feels that I am not sure about her staying with me. I may just be getting cold feet, but my gut says that I'm making a mistake by finalizing. I don't feel close to her and I dont have the feelings I should have at all. The situations that have happened have caused me to not even like her a lot of the time. They have her in the catagory of mild emotional, but things are telling me that she is moderate at least. When I decided to adopt, I was so happy to be matched, but her behavior prevents us from having a good relationship and I no longer have my heart into it. She may just not be the right child for me, and I may not be the right mother for her. I am not being pressured by the caseworkers, but I feel pressured because the six month wait is less than two months away (paperwork is started) and I don't see it getting better. I have to make a decision soon. How can I tell whether its just cold feet or really not the right match???? Should I follow my inner voice? How long do I keep trying to feel something for her ? I am so confused ! Any opinions would really help. Also, if anyone has had this situation, please give me your thoughts. Thanks so much.