[tobeafamily]

Kelly,

As others have said before, the fears are normal. There is no risk-free way to become a parent. Choosing a path involves balancing risks vs. benefits. In doemstic parental placement, the 'spectrum' ranges from fully closed - no identifying information exchanged - to fully open, integrated adoption - where biological and adoptive families are 'united', everyone is just family.

No one point in the 'spectrum' is perfect for everyone - it's all about what works. In our case, having a fully open integrated adoption (ours is the most open adoption in our agency's 10+ year history) was completely natural, but with THIS family. I don't think it would work if they weren't so much like us that we would have bonded, Ryan or not.

It's important to understand that you need to understand what's the most and least amount of openness you think you can handle emotionally, then gague each situation within that. Remember, not every pbfamily wants complete integrated openness either. You may find yourself in the very strange position of wanting more contact then they do LOL.

It's MOST important that you not enter into relationships where you are truly unhappy and uncomfortable. This is where that little voice says 'this is not right' and 'we really don't want this' but is getting shouted down by the ITS A BABY voice. Listen to the little voice. Because to ignore it is to be dishonest to the child involved.

Don't get me wrong - openness in adoption can be HARD. Even in our amicable, loving relationships there are challenging times. What we remember though is that we are the guardian's of Ryan's history. It's up to us to keep those connections open until he's ready to take over.

As to learning more - first, switch off Lifetime. Worthless, fear mongering stuff. Then, head to the library. Check out "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Molina, "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber, "Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother" by Jana Wolff and others. All are good publications.

Hang in there.

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas