[LisaCA]

hi kelly,

I chose an open adoption for completely selfish reasons. I wanted nothing to interfere with my bonding with my daughter, and not knowing how the birthmother was would do just that for me. Also, I wanted to look into my daughter's eye and say that I did everything to keep her bmom in her life and accessible to her. I can now say that her bfamily loved her, and actually mean it. I have my thoughts about her bmom and that day she was placed in my arms, but it's not just my thoughts that she'll have. Hopefully she'll be able to talk to her bmom, ask those questions that we'll know she'll have, and then she'll know the thoughts of her bfamily. I don't think I could adopt with a closed adoption, having no or few answers for my daughter as she grows up. and her bfamily will be a reality, not a fantasy family, with all their plusses and minuses.

for my daughter, she also gets another set of grandparents, aunts, and cousins, all potential kidney donors if she needs one (just kidding, sort of). I'm enjoying the extended family and hopefully she will too. Btw, we send out our birth announcements last week and included the bmom's name on them (our idea and we asked her permission, she agreed). She's sending out a few to her extended family members, to let them know that christiane is still part of the family and now so are we. Who knows where this will all lead, but believe me when I say I'm the mom, the one who holds her tight when she screams because of colic, who feeds her every 2-3 feedings, and who sings silly songs to her. And her bmom, a 15 year old, gets to try and go back to being 15 again. As far as we're concerned, it doesn't get much better than this:-).

about bmoms: the few people we've told are shocked that her bmom is a bright straight A young student from an excellent upper middleclass home, no drugs or alcohol and was a vegetarian (slipped back into meat eating during the pregnancy:-). I guess they assume that all black babies must be "crack babies" from the "inner city". We try and reeducate them about the complexity of these situations and that bmoms are just like them, from all walks of life. then again, everyone assumes we adopted due to infertility- so many assumptions in this adoption game:-).

take care,

LisaCA