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Kelly,
As an adoptive mom in a semi-open adoption and a fully open adoption, I can tell you what I miss in the semi-open.
The semi-open means that I send letters and pictures to the agency for my son's first mom to pick up. She has not picked up any of them. We have had no contact in the 3 years 9 months I have had Matthew, so it's much like a closed adoption.
Matthew is special needs, not that you can tell that now. He was never supposed to live in the first place, would be failure to thrive, would never walk, and he would be way behind on all of his motor skills and cognitive functions. He took his first steps at 9 1/2 months, he is 90th % for height, 50 % for weight, and is months ahead on all his skills except fine motor where he is 2 months behind.
I can't let her know how well he is doing other than write letters that I know she hasn't picked up. I couldn't pick up the phone when I was in tears over those first steps and tell her that he was going to be ok. I couldn't ease her mind when he started shooting up the growth charts. I can't brag about how he empathizes so much that he cries when another child in preschool skins a knee. I don't know if she's ok, if she went on with her plans for school, or if she is working anywhere.
For Matthew, I can't tell him anything about Heather, except that she was 22 when she had him. I know that the placement had nothing to do with the birth defects and that she had planned adoption long before they knew anything was wrong. I can tell him that I know that she loves him. But I cannot answer any questions that he may have. I have no pictures of her. I have no way to let him know any new medical history that comes up.
Michael is a fully open adoption. He has 2 birthparents that adore him, 4 wonderful sets of grandparents that adore him, and more aunts, uncles, and cousins than I can count. We do not co-parent, but I have a lot of problems figuring out who to call first when he got that first tooth, took his first step, and said his first word. They do visit, and we visit them. To me, it's no different than any other family visit. I love watching "L" hold Michael and watch him sleep. It warms my heart. We have full medical history on the family, so we are more prepared for the glasses at 5th grade, what cancer to look out for when he's over 50, and where his blue eyes came from. If he has questions about his birth family, we can dial the number and hand him the phone.
Yes, in the beginning we were scared. We were worried about all the things the lifetime movies warn you about. But we knew all that garbage on tv was just that, garbage. We knew that it would be best for Michael to have all the people that love and care about him in his life. Matthew adores all of them as well, and they have "adopted" him as theirs.
Don't go into any adoption promising more than you can give. But talk to people in open adoptions. You are welcome to PM me if you want to talk more.
Peggy
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