[Kelly1975]

I've been reading alot of posts in different catagories on this message board and it seems like there are alot of aparents doing an open adoption or wanting to have an open adoption. Every time I read one I feel more guilty and selfish that I want a closed adoption. Am I just a bad person?

I mean, I guess I understand the need for the bmom to want to know about their child as they grow and see them and be a part of their life but I've been waiting so long (3 miscarriages and almost 5 years) for a baby that when the Lord sees fit to let me have one through adoption, I want it to be all mine. And as I'm typing this out I realize I sound selfish but I can't help feeling that way. I would never keep the truth from the child as it grows up and can understand and process the information and what it means to be adopted but when that happens I want it to between he/she and us, the parents. I don't want there to be any confusion as to who is the mother. I don't want there to be the bmom and the amom for them to have to distinguish between.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want to share. I want it to be our baby like any other biological baby would be. Is that so wrong?

And how do bmoms look at that kind of attitude when they are trying to select the aparents? I would never mislead the bmom, letting her think we would be interested in an open adoption only to cut things off with her after we have the baby. I would want to be honest from the start but will we be looked over more because we want a closed adoption?

And let me say that I have the utmost respect and am in awe of bmoms. They are special people. It is nothing personal against them or their situations, it is all about me and the bonding that I want between me, my husband and our baby. I would be happy to meet and talk with the bmom as many times as she likes. I'll go anywhere she wants me to go with her and help her in any way that I can before the birth but when everything is said and done and I have a baby in my arms I need to feel like it's just mine.