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We have adopted seven times. We've adopted babies privately, and older children through the 'system'. The youngest older child had just turned three when he came to us. The oldest child had just turned seven.
The seven year old ended up having severe RAD (and other issues)...and is now living in a residential facility where he will 'age out'. He is dangerous and unable to live in a traditional home. We tried for four years to help him w/ every therapy known (including our attachment therapist...who was the one to tell us that everything had been done to help him).
The 'then' three year old, and 'then' six year old were adopted as sibs. They have been with us for over six years. It has taken me years to realize this....and I don't like to admit it.....but these children will not allow us to totally bond with them. I don't like it........it doesn't seem 'fair'. But, alas, I have also been told that this 'lack of full bonding' w/ older child adoptions is considered 'one of the secrets of older child adoption that few like to talk about'. I believe this now.
We have done the therapy route (and this is starting up again).....we have tried everything. It isn't that they are 'bad' boys....they just will NOT let go of those little insecurities that they brought with them...and they continue to be---what I call----'stuck'. Only they, themselves, can let go of those beliefs and insecurities. We can only 'help'....but we cannot do this for them.
I know I read about how some older adoptions seem 'fully bonded'....and I suspect this is true. But, I read a lot more about adoptive parents feeling that they cannot fully bond as they can with their 'baby adoptions'...or their 'bio children'. As my dh and I say, "it's not that we aren't bonded....it's that the bonding is different'. I would add that it just isn't as close....though, as I stated, I hate to admit this. It has taken me years to see this in my heart...and a lot of talking with our attachment therapist too.
I fully believe that what your husband is feeling is pretty common. If you had never had a baby (either through adoption or biologically)......he might not have felt the difference. But you have. Again......perhaps it's better said that the bonding is just 'different'....not 'less than'.....but a different type of bonding.
Sad....but true in a lot of families who adopt older children.
Hope this helps....
Sincerely,
Linny
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