Lorraine123 and others,
I do understand that foster children have different backgrounds. My son (10) is being adopted through foster care. I will not discuss specifics about my son's past, as he is entitled to privacy, but let's jus say that I know vividly how bad some cases can be.
I am familiar with most of the typical acronyms that foster kids have... Yes, there are differences, but there are many similarities as well. These kids have too many things that are continually focusing on the "differences", that in my opinion, it hurts the similarities with other kids.
Yes, they need to be secure in their attachment to Mom & Dad first and foremost... but you cannot rule out them having friends.
Lorraine123, as far as your daughter, as far as your daughter, of course you know best and you should do what you feel is best. That is being a parent. I would hope that perhaps you would allow her friends over to your home, and maybe later as she progresses can start to branch out some.
It sounds as if you are refering to RAD (or at least some degree of attachment disorder) behaviors, and I am familiar with that. While there are some things that are different, as they grow, they need to have some "normal kid" relationships as well. Also, just having a label doesn't mean that every kid will respond the same way, or take the same length of time to heal.
I knew that I was going to open up some differing opinions...
Also, not every kid wants to spend the night with a friend... not every kid wants to go camping... they may change their mind in a couple of months too (kids never do that do they?)
My point is simply to not make such a hard rule of "never"
There is also nothing wrong with trying a sleepover "event" of some kind, and if there are problems, stating that due to "x" behavior(s), no sleepovers for "x" time or until "x" lesson can be demonstrated.
I know, I'm sort of rambling, and also may be in the minority here, but I feel so strongly that our children need to have some degree of normalcy.
I also feel that "These children are in foster care for a reason. Their backgrounds aren't the same as other kids." is not a reason to "punish" (please don't take me wrong!) them... yes they have issues that we as parents help them get through, but it was NOT their fault that their previous parents did wrong.
What's wrong with setting rules concerning sleepovers? They can have many if not all of the same rules. I do feel that every situation is different.
As far as football and sleepovers, I am referring to a level of "sheltering". Yes, there are things that CAN happen at a sleepover that can wreck a kid's life... but a kid CAN have his neck broken as well... but I will not tell my son "Oh you can't play football because there is a chance that you will break your neck!"
As far as that goes, some freak COULD break into your house with a gun at 3am... a plane COULD crash into your house... but you can't have your kids life run by fear.
I must tell a little background... some of you may have picked up on it... but I grew up VERY "sheltered" and have vowed not to do the same thing as a parent. And yes, there are different things that need "sheltering", but football and having a sleepover with a friend are not one of them.
Howdy, I commend you for letting your daughter have sleepovers. The only thing I questioned in your post is about taking the time to get to know the parents... that is the most important factor with this issue in my opinion...you don't have to be best friends with them, but just get to know them and get a feel for the way they parent.
Anna, please don't take this the wrong way (I'm sure that I have just missed it in one of your posts), but what happens to Sean at age 21?
Well, I'll get off my soapbox now... I really hope that I have not offended anyone here. There are none of us parents that are perfect. I like to read about the views of others in their effort to do the best they can for their kids.
Be nice!
D