[waitinginnj]

Some people report that instant bonding and connection through a picture or video. I did not. I looked at a wonderful little girl, but my guard was up. I wanted to investigate the medical info and protect myself.

I worried that I didn't have that instantaneous connection and discussed it with family members. They laughed and said that my personality would never permit such a reaction - that I would have to think things out.

Over the next several days of thinking about it and getting the additional information and reconciling any of my concerns - I accepted the referral.

During our first meeting, she was very upset at first,. But through the meeting I was able to stop the tears, play and interact. At that point, I knew that I could make it work.

However, I didn't release my guard until I was through court and had custody of my daughter. This is not to say that I wasn't emotional throughout the whole process, but I had a little self protection built in.

Once my daughter was asleep in my arms, in the privacy of the hotel room, I was able to truly acknowledge that this wonderful little person was my daughter.

I needed the civil proceeding to be done in order to feel total comfort. I even remember going through the doors of Kennedy airport and looking behind me to make sure that someone from customs wasn't chasing me down to say that something wasn't right with papers or something. I remember being alone in our house for the first time, with her in her crib and thinking now we are a family.

The most important thing is not to put too many expectations on yourself and how you think you are supposed to react. Deal with your reaction and you will figure out the rest.