[mirahmirah]

Hi,

Mirah here. I am 59. Relinquished in 1967. My daughter dies at age 27 in 1995. I have 3 other kids.

Brenda is right. Anger is an important step in grieiving and thus in healing. Do not rush it, or fear it, or try to stiffle it. Get angry! We all have plenty right to be angry - at our parents, our boyfriends, our agencies, our clergy.

A couple of things that helped me to learn to "blame" the "system" and the times instead of myself, are:

1) being among other bmothers - if even just online. Knowing that I was FAR FROM the ONLY ONE who did this "horrible" thing!! :-))

2) Reading: "Wake up Little Susie" by Salinger helped put it in historic and social perspective.

3) giving myself "permisison" to be angry!

4) writing, journaling, poetry all help me get out the vilest, deepest angriest days. I can put on paper what I sometimes cannot say aloud. (PM or email me for a link to my online adoption poetry - some say my anger release is cathartic for them to read.)

5) Giving myself time - but NOT a time-table! Allowing it to come and go at its own pace. NOT trying to have your grief fit any mold or model of grief. Sometimes, just when you think you are "cured' of all anger, along comes something to spark it up again!!! And ladies, it's been 37 years for me!!!

6) getting active! One of the best things for me for working through anger is focusing it - using it constructively! That is why I have been active in the fight to open the sealed records for decades and will be till I die (albeit with a long hiatus after loosing my mother, father and eldest daughter within 8 months in 1995).

Anger can be a very - if not THE MOST - motivating power on earth!!! Think of all the great "movements" - civil rights, gay rights, women's rights...they are all founded on someone finally saying "I'm not taking this anymore!" Even the Revolutionary War! All began with people who were ANGRY and used their RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION for good!

Lick your wounds, take all the time you need, and then USE your anger to see to it that the same injustices you may have endured do not happen to someone else. If you have a wonderful, open adoption, like Brenda, use your voice to see that others have the same opportunity. It's emancipating! It's empowering!!! Actiism in the "cause" transforms one, like nothing else can changes one from a victim to a survivor!!! If you're not as outspoken - just help others here online. Share support.

When you do reach a stage that is appropriate to start considering forgiveness - remember that forgiveness is something you do for YOU, not for the other person! You forgive, when you are totally ready to let go of all the anger and bitterness related to the incident. You do it to clense yourself of those aspects of anger that eat inwardly at you instead of being directed outward into to healthy act of activism or involvement. Forgiving someone is NOT about absolving them! Only God can do that! Reading about incest survivors taught me a great deal about forgiveness. It taught me that you can forgive the person to help heal YOUR wounds and that does NOT necessarily mean you want that person back in your life - or not to the previous extent. But I think that forgievness is not something anyone should try to rush to achieve. Be patient with yourself and allow all of your feelings - even your anger. As women, many of us were socialized NOT to be angry.