I just subscribed to this forum, and my wife just forwarded the ezine
to me--so--I'm late. I'm glad to have the forum and the ezine,
though. One thing I don't want is to be an uninvolved, clueless
father.
Anyway--as to your question--I know exactly how you feel. While this
is the sort of thing that shows you who your friends really are, it
still doesn't feel very good to find that sort of thing out in the way
that sometimes we do.
My very wise grandmother told me something once that I try to
remember. (Well, actually, she said lots of things that I try to
remember, but anyway...) Unfortunately, she died very young--certainly
related to her smoking, possibly her weight as well, and I still miss
her...but I'm thankful that her life touched mine. Anyway, one day,
she told me, "Buddy, if you have only one true friend in your life,
you are very, very lucky." How right she was! I know, it doesn't take
the sting out of the others' actions.
When we told people we were adopting a child from Ukraine, we got
several reactions. Many of our friends and even some of our family
were very supportive, wished us well, and even made donations of stuff
or money or just unbelievable moral support. People we've never met
have heard our story and have been very kind. There were others who
asked why we were adopting internationally, when there are so many
kids here that need homes...that's a whole 'nother thread, and I'd
love to talk about it. But we, too, have had our share of hurt at the
reactions we got from some people. Yes, we were pleasantly surprised
by some, but let me tell you about the ones that aren't so nice.
My wife Melanie and I are both disabled. I'm totally blind, and
Melanie is legally blind (narrow visual field, could be progressive),
and she also has chronic pain, joint problems, stiffness, trouble
walking very great distances. She has her good days and her bad
days. Of course, both of us have learned to adapt to our disabilities
and live full and productive lives. Since we got married, we have
wanted to start our family. Due to Melanie's physical issues, which
she's dealt with her whole life but only recently got properly
diagnosed, I was worried about her carrying through a pregnancy and
was very interested in adoption for our family. Last year, Melanie's
heart was opened to adoption, too, and so we were oth led to
Ukraine...which is a long story, sort of. At any rate, Melanie's
sister is, one might say, skeptical of our abilities to raise a child,
and we held off telling her until our paperwork was well underway. She
as much as told us once that we really didn't have any business
raising children and couldn't do so safely. Which is still her
attitude today. She tries to be supportive, but manages to put in
little digs that very plainly say, "You can't do this, you have no
business doing this, and you will be endangering this child." This
from friends is one thing, but when your family--who should know
better--happens, even when you expect it, it's awful.
So, you're definitely not alone here. We really have the same attitude
these days towards family as towards friends...no, you can't choose
your family, but whether family or friends, you *can* choose to
associate with people who respect you and support you, and leave those
who do not behind.