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Thank you, ladies, for your kindness. I just re-read my post and since I was raised to always be nice, talk nice, make nice, the level of anger pouring through my words is very unsettling.
Yes, I am adopted and my two brothers are also adopted. None of us are blood related. We were all born in California and I actually called the county human service office that handled our adoptions earlier this afternoon. California is still pretty closed about getting information, even when you petition the court. I will have to prove that getting all the information is "necessary".
I haven't spoken with my parents today, since our big blow up yesterday which is what stirred all this up. My dad wants to know if I am going to keep rehashing "M's" adoption. Since yesterday was the first time I brought it up in 15 years, I got a little angry. My mother's stand is I need psychiatric help, which by the way I have, because obviously I am mentally unstable and got that from my birthmother. She actually said that. I threw out the argument of environment vs. heredity. My parents said they were protecting me from the shame I created by getting pregnant. How can you protect me from shame when I don't feel shame. I was too busy feeling so many other emotions.
I told my parents I felt it was a little hypocritical to not have a problem with me having sex (I was 20 at the time), but heaven help us, don't come home pregnant. I don't know. It sounds all so stupid and trite now, but yesterday I had fire shooting out of my ears and mouth. Bottom line is this, I miss her. With a little compassion and help, I could have kept her, but because "M" didn't fit into our upper class image, there was no way I was going to keep her. My pregnancy threatened my parents carefully built image of who our family was. I think that this is what I find so difficult to forgive.
I am married and have been for 12 years. Kevin is great and he was with me throughout "M's" pregnancy. He was my best friend at the time and he still is. We have three kids, Emily 9, Bear 5, and Bryson 19 months. We homeschool the two older kids while Bryson is busy being more destructive than the other two combined. My life is full and I love my family. They have saved that tiny, hidden, fragile soul inside of me.
Thank you for all of your kind words. You all speak so elequently and informatively. I truly believe that going through the fire, which giving up a child through adoption will do, redifines who you are and your life path. I am only know realizing how much losing "M" has impacted my life. It has effected me on a subconcious level that I am only now beginning to comprehend.
Laura
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