BOY ......I could
certainly get on a soapbox regarding
this topic!
For those of you who
don't know me, I am an adoptee who was born and relinquished in 1964 -- the era of "secrets and lies" where adoption was concerned. Back then, the governmental "powers that be" that controlled the adoption process were quick to pontificate the benefits of adoptive parents taking their child home and raising them as their own. I am sure if they
could , they
might even have
intimated that it was
best if the child never even
knew they had
been adopted. It was the "way" of the times.....and it set the scene for years of secrecy and "uncomfortableness" in many, many adoptive families.
It happened in my
own family. My parents are highly educated people with doctorate degrees.....my father holds a doctorate in
psychology, and yet, over the years, neither was able to shake off the
"advice" that speaking of adoption, or acknowledging
anything other than the fact that I was
"theirs" might cause me some undo psychological harm.
I can't
ever recall, in almost 40 years, either of my parents using the word "birthmother" or
ever mentioning the fact that I had a "birth
family ". I was told I was adopted when I was about three or four, and by the time I was seven or so, the topic of adoption was taboo, altogether. It wasn't something to be discussed.....
ever .
For as long as I can remember, I wondered about my birthmom....but I felt as tho, in some way, even
thinking about it was
wrong . From time to time, I would ask questions, but I was met with strong, uncomfortable body language and a tone of voice that made it quite clear that this wasn't something to be discussed. Eventually, I learned to keep my thoughts to myself. I remember being told time and again...."we know nothing about 'those people' -- and even if we did, it wouldn't matter."
In December of 2002, I made a discovery that would forever change my life. In the heat of a nasty arguement with my DH (unrelated to adoption in any way), he blurted out...."Your birthmother's name is Mary Ellen Reno." I was in the midst of a search for her, with a state appointed CI, and I thought, at first, that he was making this up as some kind of "attack tool" because we were arguing....but I quickly realized, as he burst into tears, that he was telling the truth.
I discovered that in August of that year, my father had come over to my home, while I was out, and he said to my husband that he wanted to give him my "real" mother's name. He explained that because he and Mom are in their advanced years, he wanted
someone to have her name, in case I might need medical attention some years down the road. He made my husband
SWEAR to
NEVER give me the name, or mention this conversation....to use the name, in secrecy, if I were to fall ill, and then forget he ever knew it. If my husband
didn't give his word, my father wouldn't share the name.
My poor husband was stuck.....he knew if he gave his
word to my father, then he would never be able to share the name with
me --- but if he
didn't agree to my father's terms, then the name might go with my father to his grave, and
no one would ever know it. Finally, he agreed, and my father turned over the name. My poor husband felt sick from the moment he heard the name.......he went in to his office, took a drawer out of the desk, turned it upside down, wrote her name on the bottom of it, and set about trying to forget that he ever
knew it......but it didn't work.
From August to December, he carried my fathers sick little secret.....every day, it ate him up.....and every day, he became more and more angry with
me , because every moment that I was in his presence, was a constant reminder that he was keeping something from me -- something of
HUGE importance.
My husband carried this all that time....until he could carry it no more....and finally, he let it out. The burden of this "secret" was something that caused a terrible "rift" in our marriage, and physical sickness in him every day -- and he only carried it for
four months. I can't
FATHOM what carrying it for nearly
FORTY YEARS has been like.
At first, I was totally
FURIOUS with my father.....he brought his years of deception into
MY home and he asked
MY HUSBAND to
deceive me. He said he wanted "someone" to have the name......well, that
SOMEONE should have been
ME !!!! It's the name of
MY mother for goodness sake!!! The name
BELONGS to
ME!!
A year and a half later, I
still feel that way, and I imagine I always will.......but I also realize that my parents have been acting upon advice that was ingrained in their very way of living, all my life. In his own way, my father was trying to do what he thought was right, and he was trying to protect me. He was concerned for my health down the road, and he wanted to make sure I was "cared for" if I ever needed medical attention.
My parents love me....and always have. I've come to understand that they were dealing with things the only way they knew
how .
My best friend is an adoptive mom......and it's a "new day" where adoption is concerned. Four years ago, when she and her husband were struggling with infertility, and decided to adopt, they
met with birthmoms -- several as a matter of fact. When they were chosen by a birthmom, they had a chance to spend time with her and her four year old daughter. They received ultra sound pictures.....they knew the birthmom's name and have all kinds of information to share with their daughter.
Sandy is not an "enigma"......some "secret force" to fear. She's a real person to them.....with a real life, and a real story. They adopted their baby in an era when openness and communication is the "norm".
My parents didn't
have that. The
SECRECY ....the lack of
KNOWLEDGE is the root of their fears. Fear of the unknown is the very
worst kind of fear. My parents spent a lifetime being
AFRAID ....afraid of doing or saying the wrong things....things that might have some kind of adverse psychological effect on me. They were afraid of losing me.....afraid of
so many things. I am sure they were afraid of their own infertility.....those things weren't "discussed" back then, either.
I have had to show a lot of compassion where my birthmother is concerned.....she isn't emotionally capable of accepting contact with me because my birth is something
SHE has kept "secret" for nearly 40 years. She is "afraid" of the secret......just as my own parents are.
In short, and somewhere in all this rambling, my point is that if there is
any "blame" to be placed in the adoption scenario of decades past, it should be placed on the
SECRECY .
Secrets, lack of
communication , lack of
knowledge and years of perceived need for
deception are the forces at work here, in my opinion. It's
hard for people to "re-learn" a new way of thinking.....to take on a "new attitude" that they have spent their child's
lifetime resisting.
There is
FEAR in the
unknown for
ALL members of the triad......and it's
hard work for us to all come to some common ground --- but we owe it to one another to at least attempt to walk a mile in the other side's shoes. What
might appear to be "selfishness" or "inconsiderate behavior" could very well be a lifetime of fear coming to the surface.
Right or wrong......perceived or real......fear is an
awful feeling and as adults, we should at least take that into consideration and react as we would want others to react to
US when we are afraid.
Just my two cents!
Hugs,
Sally