[bromanchik]

I am a birthmother that has been in an open adoption since my son was a baby. He is now almost 20. From the very beginning his parents and I have worked on our relationship because we know that how we feel about each other will effect our son. We love and respect each other. To say my son has benefited from this is an understatement. He has grown up secure and not feeling torn over who he is allowed to love. So much of my actions have been guided by the adopted adults I know, some who have tearfully told me how much it hurts not being able to joyfully share all the people they love. This is the bottem line. Birthparents and adoptive parents need to reach out for the sake of their children, even if those "children" are adults.Doing what is best for our kids does not end when they become adults. The "tasks" hopefully change, we are no longer feeding them, or helping them dress, but we do need to be "there" for them and support their decisions.

A little story. My daughter I am parenting was about ten. She had been fully grieving the loss of her brother and was trying to figure out his place in her life. At one point she asked me if we could "adopt Matt back when he turned 18." I explained to her that even if it was possible, I would not want to do it. That Matt has parents and that we are already family. She wanted Matt to herself. I explained that trying to take Matt out of his adoptive family would be like Matt's Mom and Dad trying to pretend we did not exist.

The reality is that we are both a part of Matt, in very different ways, but each needs to be fully respected and accepted. Birthparents and adoptive parents need to start respecting each other if the children/adults involved are going to feel fully accepted and loved.

OK I'm off my soap box.