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Help?
I have a little bit different situation.
K, here's my story... (deep breath)...
I got pregnant when I was 21, and gave birth to Marie (my firstborn) when I was 22. (This was three years ago: Her birthday is in June of 2001.) Marie's bfather was much older than me, married, and basically disappeared from the picture once he told his wife what had happened.
One month into my pregnancy, I started dating Matt, a coworker.
Matt stuck by me through the entire pregnancy, unsure of whether I'd decide to parent or place. He wouldn't say much about it, just that it was my decision, and he didn't think he had a right to influence that too much. He DID once or twice bring up painting the office room in his house, to turn it into a nursery.
Around the middle of my pregnancy, I became pretty convinced that adoption was the way to go. However....
When I went into labor, I still did not have aparents picked out. This contributed to my STRONGLY rethinking the adoption.
Matt endured the ENTIRE (20-hour) labor with me, never leaving my side. Marie was born at 1:42 in the afternoon. He stayed all afternoon with me, and then went home to sleep.
The day after Marie's birth, Matt came back to visit me in the hospital. That night, we had a big discussion. I told him I was strongly considering keeping her. He got a little upset. He said something (not anything abusive or anything) which I won't write here, because it's personal... but it wasn't a fair statement. When he said it, I just looked at him in shock, and he realized, immediately, without even making eye contact, without me saying anything, that what he said was not fair. He apologized IMMEDIATELY.
Anyway... he apologized, but he left me wondering if it was going to come down to a choice between him and Marie. He clearly wasn't ready to be a daddy.
Well, I found aparents for Marie a few days later. They were perfect. But by then, I'd imagined keeping her. I couldn't admit to myself that I should relinquish.
I spent a few days deliberating, and finally came to the conclusion I should place her with these aparents. I did not tell anyone... I hugged the secret to myself for a whole day.
That night, Matt proposed to me. He pulled out this beautiful ring and told me how much he loved me and that he wanted to marry me. What did I say? "What about the baby?" He said, "I want to marry you whether you have a child or not. It doesn't matter to me." He'd come to the decision that he was being (in his words) an a-hole that he knew he loved me, wanted to be with me, and that nothing could change that.
Well.... I then told him I'd decided to give Marie up.
He looked DISAPPOINTED. His face fell. I questioned him on it... and he said he'd actually started looking forward to the possibility of raising her.
Fast forward to today:
I did indeed place Marie with that perfect couple. She was their first. They now have two, another girl. I have had an open adoption with them since the beginning. I love them and their family, and they love me back. We are like extended family.
Matt, on the other hand, is somewhat troubled. He's admitted he doesn't like to think about me (sexually) with another man. Perhaps Marie is a reminder of that, for him. He also says he has nothing in common with the aparents. He is worried about what we will tell our own kids.
To his credit, he does come to see the afamily with me about half the time. He is always polite. But I know there are times he's dying inside.
Does anyone get it? Why is this so hard for him? Is there anything I can do to help?
Thanks in advance.
Sorry this is so long..... this thread just struck a chord.
Nicole
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